


Don't Say It

by bibliomaniac



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining, Polyamory, Pre-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, aka 'everybody says they're fine a lot but they arent actually very fine', and bad at communication (this is unrelated), slightly au in terms of timing as well, tony is nonverbal autistic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-10 08:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 35,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7838281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bibliomaniac/pseuds/bibliomaniac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark is autistic and nonverbal. Which is fine, obviously, except for it means that Steve and Bucky don't have his words, and it only takes him a few minutes to decide they don't need to know he has theirs.</p><p>That's also totally and definitely fine, until he goes and falls in love with them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction: The Thing Is

**Author's Note:**

> imagine me writing another soulmate au. wow. revolutionary material here
> 
> aka resident autistic writes incredibly self-indulgent autistic tony stark while combining favorite fic tropes into a monstrous amalgamation of clichés
> 
> note: while i am autistic, i am not nonverbal and do not know ASL! i'd like to be as accurate and inclusive as possible, so if you have any corrections then please do let me know, and i apologize if i've done anything to be offensive.

Okay, so the thing is, Bucky and Steve are like that couple that you see in movies but don’t actually believe exist. They’re the kind of sickeningly sweet that has you making faces in public and considering making OKCupid profiles in private. Not that Tony ever would. Make an OKCupid profile, he means. Hah. Yeah. That is definitely a thing he would never ever do. More than once, anyway.

The other thing is, Tony has never been able to talk, at least not out loud. It’s, you know, the ‘nonverbal’ part of being a nonverbal autistic. He types for most people and signs for friends—Pep, Rhodey, Clint, obviously, and Natasha, if they count as friends. (They do.) Steve started learning after he found out. He smiles with heartbreaking sincerity when Tony comes to him in a rage, as angry as his text-to-voice program allows him to sound, saying he doesn’t need Steve’s _pity_ , and Steve just says simply that he thought it might be a good way to get to know Tony better. Tony doesn’t know what to say after that, in text or sign, so he just leaves and works his feelings away like he always does. They never bring it up again, but Steve responds to Tony’s bleary signs in the morning for coffee, and sometimes he interjects in Clint and Tony’s silent conversations, and eventually Tony feels comfortable enough to sign to Steve when it’s just the two of them. So. Captain America is his friend too, he supposes. And, he amends, Bruce, who doesn’t know sign but does know science, and when they’re in the lab on a 27-hour science kick they don’t need to talk much anyway.

Bucky shows up a while later, disheveled and distant and with a bashed-up arm. Tony doesn’t say anything when Steve crashes into Tony’s workshop and into Bucky’s (now functional) arms, and he doesn’t say anything when Bucky turns to Tony and speaks for the first time in a voice rough with disuse, “Thanks for fixing me up, doc,” and he doesn’t say anything when they go up to Steve’s room together and leave him behind.

Because here’s the last thing, and that’s that Tony is Bucky and Steve’s soulmate. Curled around his left bicep in neat cursive writing is “Mr. Stark” and around his right in a much messier scrawl is “Thanks for fixing me up, doc”. And they turned black when they spoke, which is how that works when you meet the right one, so. No questions there. But there also aren’t any questions that Bucky and Steve are perfectly happy without him. They don’t even know he’s theirs. No voice, no words. He’s not going to crash their party by suggesting, hey, I know it was illegal for you guys to be together in the 40’s, but it’s 2016 now, baby, wanna throw some polyamory into the mix? And also your third is an autistic jerk with the social skills of a particularly socially-challenged aardvark, a tendency to hyperfocus on engineering and not on relationships, a checkered past a mile wide, and a reputation even wider. Oh, and you guys were my special interest when I was younger. That’d go over just swell, to borrow Steve’s vernacular. He’s not going to risk it.

So he doesn’t talk about it, and he’s fine. Like, they were hot, and nice, and pretty much everything the stories he obsessed over as a kid said they would be, but he didn’t have _feelings_ for them or anything messy like that, so it was fine. He’d be fine.

That logic worked perfectly well until, of course, he developed feelings for them.


	2. Fine

“Mr. Stark.”

“Captain.” 

In his defense, Tony reckons while half-heartedly doing repairs on the suit after the Battle of New York, he can’t count the number of times he’s heard his words come out of somebody else’s mouth. And it was Captain America. Everybody knows he already had a soulmate, his best friend Bucky Barnes, and everybody knows he’s kind of perfect and kind of perfect and Tony Stark don’t go together.

So, it’s obviously totally understandable that Tony didn’t get that Steve Rogers was his soulmate, and it’s also totally understandable that he kind of blew up at him on the helicarrier. Not enough coffee, stressful situation. It could happen to anyone. Really.

He didn’t even realize until he got home and took a shower. And. Yes. Maybe he sort of shrieked and twisted around a little when he saw his words had blacked in, and also he maybe fell down and hit his head just, like, the smallest amount. And it is also the smallest amount of maybe a bad idea to do suit repairs with a possible concussion and coming off the tail end of an anxiety attack. But right now he just feels kind of numb and his suit is a mess, so, whatever. It’s not like anybody is around to yell at him anyway.

“TONY STARK!”

Who is he kidding. Pepper is always around to yell at him.

He swivels around and pastes on an unconvincing smile, signs, “Pepper. Light of my life.”

“Don’t give me that. You flew into space!”

Oh. Not the concussion then. “Yes?”

“And you’re trying to engineer with a concussion!”

Fakeout. Yes the concussion. “Also yes.” JARVIS must have told, the tattletale. He makes his most unimpressed look at one of the cameras, but honestly it’s probably not very effective, what with the glassy eyes and the swaying.

Pepper frowns. Her unimpressed looks are always better than his. “Tony…fine. I’ll save the lecture for after you’re back on your feet. But right now we’re getting you to a bed.”

Tony considers arguing, but that’s hard enough when he’s coherent, so he shrugs in a semblance of acquiescence and follows her out of the lab. On the way, she throws over her shoulder, “How did you even get the concussion? Chunk of building? Headbutting Captain America’s abs?”

He wishes. Something to try next time, maybe. “Nothing so fun. Fell in the shower.”

She stops dead and turns around, slowly, on her heel. “Why?”

He grimaces. “I thought we were getting to a bed.”

“We are. This is a pit stop. Why did you fall in the shower?”

He doesn’t like lying to Pepper, so he purses his lips and pulls down the neckline of his tshirt to reveal a sliver of arm and blacked-out soul words.

She gasps, hand reaching out to his shirt as if to pull the fabric down further for confirmation, before stopping midair. She knows that Tony doesn’t particularly like being touched. “Tony! Why—how—who?”

“Cosmic joke,” he signs sharply in response to the first question, then, “We met in the field.” 

Nothing escapes Pepper, so Tony isn’t surprised she hangs onto the last question. “Who was it, Tony?”

He scowls and looks away, kicking at the floor. 

“Tony.”

Reluctantly, still looking away, he finger spells, “Cap.”

There’s a silence. Finally, she says, “Oh, Tony,” and that must mean he really is screwed, if even Pepper thinks it’s bad.

“Whatever.” He rubs his index and middle fingers together harshly, a part of him hoping that the skin rubs off. An outward reflection of his inner pain. His life continues to be a cliché. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. You deserve to have someone. I don’t know, Tony. Maybe give him some time to get over Bucky, and then…I mean, maybe…”

He rolls his eyes, scuffing his feet on the floor again. “Sure. Maybe.”

“And hey,” Pepper offers with fake brightness, “You always have the other one!”

He doesn’t even bother signing to that one, grunting noncommittally and making his own way to the darn bed. His head feels fuzzy. Pepper tucks him in like he’s some kind of child, which is ridiculous, and she sets JARVIS to wake him up every four hours because of course she won’t stay, she has a soulmate of her own to get home to. (Natasha, of course, a frightening combination that works all too well.) He doesn’t get anyone for himself. He falls asleep clutching a pillow like it’s somebody sleeping next to him and trying not to think about it.

Of course, Steve never gets over Bucky, because Bucky is alive and back and they’re together, and he doesn’t have the other one because the other one is Bucky and, well. See previous. It’s fine, he tells himself as they walk off together. Fine. They belong together and he belongs in here, in his lab, with his robots and his engineering and a server full of of classic rock.

“Sir?” asks JARVIS, concerned. Because Tony programmed him to be, Tony thinks with a hint of bitterness, then shakes the thought off. Not JARVIS’ fault. Only his.

“Are you all right, sir?” reiterates JARVIS, and Tony nods, then tilts his head, shrugs. Doesn’t matter, he will be. 

“Do you need me to contact Miss Potts or Colonel Rhodes?”

Tony responds with a vehement shake of the head, a somewhat rude gesture at the camera, and an abrupt turn to the blueprints he had open before Bucky walked in. Crashed in, really. He’ll need a new window. Irritating.

The next time he resurfaces, there’s a sandwich next to him. Turkey and Havarti with mustard. It’s his favorite, and he briefly wonders if JARVIS disobeyed orders and called Pepper—wouldn’t be the first time—except for she’d have interrupted and asked him what was going on. Contemplatively lifting up the plate and wondering idly at the possibility of a sandwich as a delivery mechanism for poison or a bomb, he finally notices the note tucked underneath the plate.

It just says, “Thanks for helping out Bucky. A sandwich isn’t adequate repayment, but hopefully it’s heading in the right direction! -Steve” There is also a smiley face, except apparently that wasn’t ‘adequate’ either, because Steve added on a ridiculously muscular torso and arm bearing his famous shield. And then, Tony supposes, he got distracted and drew a really nice pair of eyes. Okay.

It’s a weird note, but Tony’s gotten weirder, so he mentally shrugs and bites into the sandwich, which is, you know. A sandwich. No bombs, no poison, probably. Those are most of his requirements for a sandwich, so A plus. (Well, also, no ham. It’s slimy and makes Tony’s mouth sad.)

He digs back into his work. And maybe he draws up some rudimentary plans for a new arm, but he’s always been interested in prosthetics anyway. Or since yesterday. Same difference. He doesn’t notice the plate disappear, or Steve’s fond gaze, or his subsequent stiffening and leaving the room. After all, none of that is relevant to Tony’s totally-non-Bucky-related quest for the perfect mechanical arm, which is what is really important anyway. For totally non-Bucky-or-Steve-related reasons. Mostly just for science reasons, really.

Yeah.

He’s fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> turkey and havarti is my favorite, and i really don't like ham. have i mentioned this is incredibly self-indulgent yet
> 
> i'm gonna be jumping around timewise a little in this fic so be prepared for that i guess lol


	3. That Could've Gone Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was made aware that it was somewhat unclear, so--the following is one of the time skips i mentioned last chapter note! this chapter skips back to about two months after the battle of new york, aka two months after the events of the first part of chapter 2 and before bucky comes back and prompts the second part of chapter 2 (which occurs around a year after steve moves into the Tower). i wanted to delve more into how tony and steve's relationship came to shift before bucky came back, so. we'll probably be mostly in the 'past' for the next few chapters.

Tony didn’t actually expect Steve to accept his invitation to move into the Tower. Steve’s all shy and polite, right? Tony thought he’d probably do his whole ‘aw, shucks, but I couldn’t” routine and it’d be done and he’d have been courteous and they’d end up in some arrangement that didn’t involve them seeing each other every day.

So when Tony asks over the phone, he’s pretty blindsided by Steve pausing and then saying with a mildly discomfiting sincerity, “I really appreciate that, Tony. I’ll bring my stuff by tomorrow.”

Tony is proud that he only spent maybe an hour freaking out about that, and then, well, an additional twelve Definitely Not Thinking About It while sketching designs for some kind of shield retrieval device. Not because it would make Steve happy and then maybe make Steve love him, or anything. Just because Steve is his teammate and a shield retrieval device is the sort of helpful technology that they keep him around for. Yep. 

Natasha is moving into her floor in about two weeks, and Clint is already in the Tower somewhere or other. Bruce is being cagey about whether he’ll move in at all, hemming and hawing about property damage or something, but Tony thinks he’ll cave when Tony gets the kinks in the safety room ironed out. (Heh. Ironed.) Anyway, point is that it’s going to fall to Tony to welcome Steve and give him the tour, because Tony figures using JARVIS to do it would be both insensitive and kind of tacky. And even if he could find Clint—he’s been pretending he can’t to make Clint feel less, um, surveilled—he wouldn’t trust him to do it. So Tony will just have to pretend he’s not seeing one of his soulmates for the first time since the Battle of New York and that aforementioned soulmate is not aware of their bond and that he didn’t have a major crush on him when he was little. And Bucky, too, but that’s not presently relevant. What's relevant is that Tony is a great actor, so it’s no big deal. (Pepper says otherwise, says you can always see what he’s thinking on his face, but she’s a filthy liar and nobody should listen to her.) 

Steve said 9, so Tony gets to the communal floor at 9:10. He’s not very good with time, and he gets distracted, so. He was sort of hoping Steve wouldn’t be the military-precise type, but unfortunately it seems like he is, because Steve is standing in a corner looking very uncomfortable.

Tony fishes around in his pocket for his phone, which he uses to connect to the text-to-speech program, which is then projected through the nearest speaker. Not a perfect solution, but it works. Someday he’ll team up with a brain specialist and rig something to get JARVIS to read his mind or something, but today is not that day. 

“Hey, sorry I’m late,” Tony types. (He isn’t, really.) “It’s nice to see you again.” (Not exactly.) “I’m glad you accepted my offer.” (Definitely not.) He puts on his best media smile, fixing his gaze somewhere in the vicinity of Steve’s excellent jawline.

Steve, who’s had a slightly awkward smile on his face, frowns. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“You look like you’re in pain.” Okay, maybe his media smile has never been the best, or looked much a smile. Whatever.

Tony shrugs and goes back to his default expression, which is somewhere between bored and vaguely pissed off. “No, I’m fine.”

“Ah. A-alright.”

Turning around and motioning over his shoulder for Steve to follow, Tony types, “Okay, this is the communal floor. There’s the kitchen over there, dining room, living room. Gym is five floors down, I’ll let you explore that on your own. I’m still working out the simulations in there so don’t try to activate them right now. Should only be about a week for the prototypes to be ready, though.” He taps his chin, thinking. “I’ll keep the kitchen pretty well-stocked with general stuff, but if you want anything special just ask and specify whether you want it in here or in your personal kitchen. Or both, I guess.”

“I’m sorry, personal kitchen?”

Tony glances at Steve, confused. He winces at the accidental eye contact. “Well, yes. There’s one on your floor too.”

Steve looks somewhat like he’s considering exploding. “My _floor_?”

“What, did you think you were going to be lumped in with everyone else?”

Steve nods, white in the face.

Tony snorts. “I wouldn’t do that. Anyway, let’s go to your floor.” He heads over to the elevator. “They showed you how to access these and everything down at security, yeah?”

“Yes,” Steve says tightly. 

“Well, go for it then.” Tony gestures with his phone. “Floor 84.”

Steve dutifully punches the button, but he still looks a little pinched. Tony isn’t good enough at reading people to know why anybody would be (angry? sad? some weird kind of happy?) about getting their own floor, but whatever. If Steve wants him to know, he’ll say something. Or even better, he won’t, and Tony won’t have to deal with it.

Tony finishes the tour summarily, feeling sort of like he’s forgotten something, which is pretty normal for him. He has a bad memory for things that aren’t special interest-related. Somebody’s brought Steve’s meager belongings upstairs to his room, which Tony thinks is pretty nice even if he knows crap-all about interior design. He asked for it to be more toned down and old time-y than the rest of the Tower. Steve’s face got some color back when he saw it, so Tony’s counting it as a win.

Tony is stimming near the elevator door, hoping that Steve will say something that allows him to leave. But he has crappy luck, so instead, Steve says, “Tony, I…I don’t think I can accept this.”

“Accept what?”

“This,” Steve repeats, gesturing vaguely. “An entire floor? There are people who need housing, families, and I get an entire floor to myself? It’s just…unnecessary.”

Tony scowls, immediately feeling his already unpleasant mood worsen. He really hates it when people reject his gifts. “Well, it’s yours now, so you can do whatever you want with it. Invite one of those homeless families to live here. I don’t care. Bye.”

He turns and jabs the button violently, but Steve jogs lightly over and grabs his arm. “Tony, wait.”

Tony freezes at the feeling of warmth through his shirt, right over Steve’s words. “Don’t touch me.”

“Tony—“

“Don’t! Touch! Me!” He twists aggressively out of Steve’s grip, gaze absolutely murderous now. “You do not get to touch me. Nobody gets to touch me. Not even Pepper or Rhodey get to touch me, and I like them.”

Steve’s face falls, and Tony feels a flash of regret. Steve’s fault, though. He shouldn’t have touched him. “Tony, I’m sorry. I can move my stuff out, I can—“

Tony’s eyes narrow. “No. I told you it’s yours. If you don’t want to live here then don’t, but don’t do it on my account, because I simply do not care.”

Steve’s lip twists, a hint of nastiness. “Oh? Then why do you look like it’s physically painful to be near to me? Why won’t you let me touch you? Why won’t you make eye contact? Why have you been on your phone this entire time?”

Tony looks incredulously at him. “Seriously?”

“What?”

“I’m autistic, you utter douchenozzle. And I’m nonverbal, so this—“ He waves his phone sarcastically—“This is how I talk.”

Steve has gone white again. “I am so—“

“Sorry? I gathered.” Tony sneers. 

“Sir, if you’ll pardon the intrusion, the word ‘autism’ was only used to describe your condition for the first time in 1943, by which time Captain Rogers probably had things to do other than read medical journals,” JARVIS supplies from above.

Tony feels a bit guilty, but it's mostly overshadowed by his satisfaction at the way Steve jumps. “Oh. That’s what I forgot. Steve, that’s JARVIS. He’s an artificial intelligence—like a really smart computer. He’s the guy to talk to when you need something or have any questions. J, can you send some basic reading materials on autism to the big guy’s tablet?”

“Of course, sir. And lovely to meet you, Captain Rogers.”

“Steve, please,” he says dazedly. “Tony, I really am sorry.”

“Yeah, whatever.” He’s still a little pissed off, but he also knows he probably shouldn’t be. Steve grew up in a small apartment, hence freaking out about the floor, and he didn’t know about the autism. But then again, Tony does a lot of things he probably shouldn’t. He’ll stay pissed at Steve for as long as he likes. Being angry at Steve is a lot easier than thinking about how Steve will never love him. “Anyway. Like I said. Place is yours if you want it, but no pressure. I am going to go now.”

“Because you’re mad?”

Tony glances at him again and regrets it. Steve looks every bit the kicked puppy. “No. Because I am tired. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye,” Steve says quietly.

The funny thing is, Tony never wanted him here in the first place, but he still feels an equally quiet pang in his soul at the thought of his soulmate leaving again. Maybe he had gotten his hopes up a little. But it doesn’t matter. It was never going to happen anyway. Steve was never going to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pepper is right, tony is not a very good actor at all
> 
> dont worry you two it'll get better *pats*


	4. Just To Talk

Tony stops straight in his tracks the next morning when he heads into the communal kitchen—Clint makes really good coffee, sue him—and sees Steve there in one of his ridiculous signature tight shirts, clearly recently back from a run and eating an apple.

“Oh, good morning, Tony!” says Steve cheerfully. “Want some coffee?”

Clint, over at the breakfast table, snickers at Tony’s expression. “You look surprised.”

Tony is too tired for this. He strides over to Clint and crisply signs, “What is he doing here?”

“Living here. Pretty sure you invited him,” Clint signs back with an amused look on his face. 

“Yes, but—“ Tony scowls. “Fine. Okay. Can you tell him I left my phone upstairs?” 

Clint relays the message, and Steve looks slightly disappointed. “Oh. Well, I was hoping to talk a little more with you, but it can wait.”

Steve is staying. He’s staying and he wants to…talk. Tony really doesn’t know how to feel about either of those things, because he already reconciled himself to Steve being gone, and now he’s suddenly here and holding out a mug of coffee, and—ugh.

He snatches the coffee and gulps it down, making grabby hands for another cup. Steve chuckles and refills it.

The caffeine has Tony thinking a bit more clearly. Okay. Well, he managed thinking Steve was going to live here once, he can do it again. And. Steve probably just wants to talk battle tactics or team upgrades or something. Tony can manage that. 

He doesn’t really want to use Clint as a translator, but he’s not above using JARVIS. He signs into the nearest camera, “J, can you tell the big guy that he can come to my lab in the afternoon? I’ll probably be at a stopping point then.” Tony considers, mentally running through his workload for the next few days. “Or, well, no, I won’t, but he doesn’t need to know that.”

“Certainly.” Steve, to his credit, only twitches a bit at JARVIS’ disembodied voice this time around. “Captain Rogers, sir would like you to know that he will be available in his lab for a chat in the afternoon.”

“Excellent. I’ll see you then, Tony.”

Tony nods absentmindedly, already on his way out the door with his mind on his work. 

\--------------

Steve enters the lab promptly at 1 PM. Literally after noon, jeez. Tony spins around on his chair—the ability to spin is an extremely important quality to have in a chair, in Tony's opinion—with phone already in hand. “Hey. Have a seat. Or stand, whichever.”

Steve remains standing, hands behind his back. “Is now an okay time?”

“Sure.” No. 

“All right, then. Well…” Steve hesitates. “I wanted to apologize, first off, for yesterday. I acted ungrateful and high-handed and I insulted you, however unintentionally. I read all of the things JARVIS sent over and—“

Tony holds up a hand. “You can stop right there. If all you’re going to do is apologize, you can leave.”

“But—“

“Yeah, you were rude. If anybody knows anything about that, it’s me. So. Whatever. I processed it and now I’m done with it.”

Steve still looks like he wants to protest, but he presses his lips together and nods. “All right. Well, the other reason I came in here was to get to know you better. I know we didn’t exactly get off on the right foot, but it’s going to be important that we get along as teammates.”

Tony stares at Steve with a placid expression, then types, “I’m not sure whether to tell you to imagine me laughing or screaming.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You’re seriously asking to, what, bond with me? Eat popcorn and talk about boys while watching rom-coms?”

Steve’s lips are pressed together again. Not that Tony is looking at his lips. Well, he is, but only because eye contact sucks and mouths happen to be in the vicinity of the jaw. “No, I was thinking we’d start out with something simpler. Like, say, things we have in common. We both knew your father, right?”

Tony stares a couple of long, awkward moments longer, during which Steve shifts uncomfortably under Tony’s scrutiny. Finally Tony responds, “Your ability to shove your foot in your mouth repeatedly and in a variety of ways is truly astounding.”

Steve throws his hands up in the air, frustrated. “What is it this time?!”

“I had a terrible relationship with my father. I don’t talk about him if I don’t have to.” Tony crosses his arms and waits for the inevitable apology.

Steve’s brow furrows in confusion, irritation, then resignation. “Well, hey. We do have something in common after all.”

Tony can’t help the slight quirk at the corner of his mouth. “Look, he knows how to do something other than apologize. Okay. Fair enough.”

Steve raises an eyebrow incredulously. “You’re not mad?”

“Nah. I’m only partly a douche.” Tony shrugs. “Or mostly. Anyway, I don’t think we have much in common. Our favorite colors are even different.”

“What, what’s your favorite color?”

“Red. You like blue.”

“Well, yes—wait, how did you know that?”

Aw, crap. Tony really needs to invest in a brain-to-text filter. “Maybe I had a feeling?”

Steve looks at Tony dryly. “Really?”

Tony sighs. “Fine. You said it in a Life Magazine interview in March 1942, the big one you did for the one-year anniversary of the serum administration. Also at the time your favorite cereal was Wheaties, which is a nice bit of product placement, by the way.”

Steve slowly starts smiling. “It was the breakfast of champions, after all.”

“I tried it. I didn’t like it.”

“Mm. So, what, do you just make a habit of reading old editions of Life or were you a fan?”

Tony narrows his eyes. “There were a lot of kids who liked your comics when I was growing up, and that’s all I’m going to say.”

“I’m just trying to get to know you,” says Steve innocently, but his eyes are glinting and he’s still grinning. 

“Sure. I think I’d prefer the sleepover.”

“That can be arranged.”

Tony almost chokes. Obviously Steve doesn’t mean it like that. But he should still warn a guy before saying unintentionally flirty things. It only reminds him of what he can’t have. “You shouldn’t say stuff like that. People might get the wrong idea.”

“Oh? What’s the wrong idea?” He’s cocked his head to the side, smirk firmly in place, and holy crap is it hot. Tony can’t do this.

So he does what he always does when he’s cornered. He lashes out at the place where he knows it’ll hurt the most. “I don’t think your soulmate would appreciate this.”

The change is staggering. Steve’s face immediately shuts off, and his eyes are cold. “Bucky’s gone.” He looks down at his feet, shakes his head, then looks back up. “I should probably get going. Goodbye.”

Tony watches him go, emotions warring inside. He sort of wants to apologize, but it’s probably better like this, right? It’s better not to get close to him. It’s better to not let himself think that this could be a thing. And it’s better for Steve to not have to deal with him. He only hurts people, after all. And he doesn’t want to hurt Steve.

(He pointedly ignores the voice in his head that reminds him he just did.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tony is stubborn and steve has no idea what he's doing, so, you know. what else is new
> 
> this chapter sucks a little but w/e i have washed my hands of it


	5. Wishing Doesn't Make It So

Steve flees to his floor—his gigantic, lonely floor. He briefly considers flopping on his bed (his gigantic, lonely bed) but instead just sits and buries his head in his hands.

What on earth had he been doing? Well, revision. He knows exactly what he was doing. He was flirting with Tony. But, God, why? Tony doesn’t even like him. He’s made that abundantly clear. And then, of course, there’s Bucky. He’s gone, but that doesn’t mean that Steve is over him. Why would he flirt with Tony when he’s still not over Bucky, will never be over Bucky?

 _Maybe because he reminds you of him_ , a traitorous voice whispers in his head. _Beautiful eyes, beautiful brown hair, whip-smart. And kind, even if they won’t admit it._

Steve groans, the sound muffled by his hands. This is not the right situation to be making connections between his soulmate and his teammate. Tony isn’t Bucky. Tony isn’t his soulmate. It’s wrong to think about him like this. 

But as he heads down to the gym to check out the veritable arsenal of punching bags, he can’t deny that there are two sets of eyes in his mind.

The following weeks are, at best, awkward. Tony is avoiding him, and he isn’t really being subtle about it. (In his defense, Steve is beginning to realize that Tony isn’t really subtle about anything.) Whenever Tony walks into a room that Steve is already in, or vice versa, Tony’s eyes will widen almost comically and he’ll just leave. So much for bonding as teammates, Steve thinks bitterly. But maybe it’s his fault for hitting on Tony? It probably made him feel uncomfortable. Steve doesn’t even know if Tony has a soulmate of his own.

Things only start to shift when Natasha moves in. She takes one look at the two of them and declares that they will have a team night every Wednesday, attendance mandatory, lack of attendance punishable. Tony makes an unhappy face and signs something to her, but she just shakes her head sternly and reiterates, “Wednesday. Be there.”

Tony scrunches up his face, but doesn’t argue any further. Steve’s vision is very good, though, and he can see that Tony is digging his nails into the palm of his hand.

Natasha follows Steve’s gaze, then walks over to Tony, pointing at his hands. “Tony, hey. Stop.”

He frowns and signs something. 

“I know it’s hard, but I’m under strict orders from Pepper. Do you have your toy with you?”

He nods mulishly and pulls something small and metallic out of his pocket. 

“Good. Use that instead.”

Tony starts to comply, but then hesitates and gives a small smile, signing something else.

“I am, but you’re the one who listened to me.” Natasha’s returning smile is reserved but genuine. “Now go before I decide to enforce Pepper’s other rule about bedtime.”

He scurries off, still fiddling with the little toy, and Steve watches with amazement.

“How did you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Get him to listen to you.”

She shrugs. “He’s scared of me, but he’s even more scared of Pepper.”

Steve tilts his head. “The CEO of Stark Industries? How do you know her?”

“She’s my soulmate,” Natasha says simply. Steve gapes.

“Really? Why are you living here then?”

Natasha looks at him steadily. “That is a very personal question.”

Steve flushes. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“I told her that I was dedicated to her, but that my work on this team was also important. Tony originally offered her a floor in this tower, so I’m staying there and she’ll be visiting. She agreed on the condition that I keep an eye on him.” She pauses, staring at him shrewdly. Finally, she says, “You should learn sign language. It will be helpful, I think. Clint can teach you.”

“What?”

“Just something to keep in mind.” She smiles, but the brightness of the one she gave to Tony is gone. “Wednesday. You’ll be there.”

Steve stands stationary for a couple moments longer after she leaves. That was…odd. But, he thinks as he reflects back on Tony’s easy camaraderie with Natasha and Clint, maybe she’s onto something with the sign language. 

He goes to find Clint.

\------------

Wednesday comes, and with it, team night. Tony orders Thai and sits at the very end of the couch curled up against the armrest, hugging a pillow tight to his chest. 

Clint frowns when he sees it. “Hey, man, come closer. We’re not contagious.”

It’s only been two days, so Steve hasn’t gotten very far with his ASL training, but he does know the alphabet, so he can tell when Tony’s signing ends with a very sharp ‘S-T-E-V-E.’

“What about me?” Steve asks casually, even though his feelings are kind of hurt. This is going a bit far as punishment for some simple flirtation, right? 

Tony whips his head to look at him—or his forehead, maybe?—looking confused and a little panicky. He signs something else, but Steve doesn’t understand, so he just smiles and shrugs. Tony relaxes a bit after that. 

Clint is insisting on some magician movie with a guy he swears up and down looks just like Bruce, so Tony gets JARVIS to play it and they settle in. Steve thinks the movie is interesting, but mostly he’s dying a little bit over how good these noodles are. Pad Thai, he thinks they’re called. He could probably eat nothing but this for the rest of his life. Tony, he notes idly, has opted for some of this chicken curry stuff and a ridiculously oversized pile of rice, and he’s signing back and forth with Clint while occasionally gesturing at the screen. 

When the movie is finishing up and Steve has unfortunately run out of Pad Thai to demolish, he glances over at Tony just in time to see Clint sign something to him and Tony slowly turning his head and…glaring at Steve? He’s never seen him look so mad before. Steve looks away and rubs his temple. He doesn’t even know what he did, but he thinks he might find out.

Sure enough, after he’s settled into bed to read on his tablet, Tony barges in, absolutely fuming. His text-to-speech program is turned up louder than normal, and it bounces around the room.

“You’re learning sign?! What the crap, Steve! Just because I can’t talk doesn’t mean I need your pity, I can’t believe—“

Well, apparently this is what it took to get Tony to talk to him again. Steve smiles in spite of himself, and says softly, “I just want to get to know you better, Tony. I feel like this will help. Is that okay?”

Tony opens his mouth, closes it. He purses his lips, then turns on his heel and flees from the room just like Steve did weeks earlier. 

Steve lies down, suddenly exhausted. It doesn’t seem like he can do anything right with Tony. He wishes things were different. He wishes…mostly he wishes Bucky were here with him, or that he was back with Bucky, back when things made sense.

But if there’s one thing he knows, it’s that wishes don’t come true. Not when he was a kid in a single-parent family, always sick and always poor, not when Bucky fell from that train, and certainly not now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jeez steve what's with the angst
> 
> next chapter is back to tony


	6. Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw in this chapter for description of a panic attack, light self-harming behavior (scratching, not cutting), blood mention, and intrusive thoughts about dying

Tony doesn’t know how to react to this. Nobody’s ever kept trying after he shuts them out. Nobody cared. Why can’t Steve just give up, or be a jerk, or anything to make Tony not want to be around him? Why couldn’t he be less hot and less nice and less soulmated to a dead guy? Why is it Tony who can’t speak, why is it Tony who will never leave a mark on anyone, why is it Tony who has to deal with all of this? He sighs and puts down the soldering iron, because it’s probably not very safe to be holding it when his mind is whirling at an impossible speed. 

_It’s you because you’re terrible_ , a part of his mind says cheerfully. _The universe knew you’d be a killer and so it gave you only half a bond._

No. He’s changed, and he didn’t know, and—

_Excuses. You should have died a long time ago, buddy! That would be the only real way to make reparation for your many sins. You should have died back with Yinsen, against Obie, against Vanko. You should have died in space, alone, just like you’ve always been. Remember that? Remember being cold and lonely and all of that blackness pressing in on you and—_

Stop! Stopit stopitstopitstopit. He gasps for air and can’t find it, and the room is too cold, and—

‘P-E-P-P-E-R’, he weakly signs to JARVIS, noticing only vaguely that he’s scratching his hands, trying to make it hurt, trying to draw blood. His stomach roils and he can’t do this, he needs someone, he needs—

“Tony?” comes Pepper’s worried voice from over the video link. “Tony, stop, look at me. I need you to take a deep breath.”

“Can’t,” he signs, face contorted in an expression of anguish. “Can’t, should be dead, I should have died—”

“Tony, what are you saying?! Of course you shouldn’t have died, you’re meant to be right here, alive, with me and Rhodey and—”

“No. No no no no no. You’d all be better without me, everyone would, Steve would, I’m nothing and I should have just given up while I was up there and died alone and everyone would be happy—”

“I wouldn’t! Rhodey wouldn’t. Natasha wouldn’t. I don’t think Steve would either. You’re so important, Tony, you have to realize that—Tony. Breathe, seriously. In. Hold it for a few seconds. Out. Good.”

After a while, she gets Tony calmed down and breathing normally. After an anxiety attack, he always feels numb, completely detached from everything. He stares down at his hands, covered in angry red lines. Hm. He should probably disinfect a couple of the scratches that broke the skin. He has Bactine around somewhere.

Pepper watches him quietly, then says, “This has been happening more recently since New York.”

“I know.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to make an appointment with your old therapist? She helped last time, I’m sure—”

“No. Maybe if it keeps happening. But no.”

She purses her lips, but doesn’t press the issue. Instead she asks, “So what brought this one on?”

“Just…thoughts. And…” He hesitates. “Steve, a bit.”

“What did he do?” Her voice is dangerous.

“Nothing. Well. He decided to learn sign language.”

“And? Why is that a problem?”

“It’s just, he’s learning it to get to know me better. And I’ve been nothing but awful to him, but he’s doing it anyway, and I can’t get him to stay away and I don’t even know if I want him to anymore but I have to because it’ll hurt too much when he leaves if I get attached but I’m worried I’m already attached—”

“Tony.” Pepper is using her Don’t Spook The Tony voice, which is both comforting and vaguely patronizing. “What makes you think he’ll leave?”

“Everyone does,” he signs, small and tight. 

“I haven’t. Rhodey hasn’t. Neither of us will. And—Tony, if you just told him—”

“No!” Tony signs hurriedly, feeling a flash of his previous panic. “I can’t. I won’t. You can’t make me.”

“No, I can’t.” She exhales, and he hates himself a little bit for being the one to make her sound so defeated. 

The following silence is almost oppressive, and he occupies himself by rocking back and forth in his seat, humming the tune to some Styx song. Eventually, Pepper says, “You know, I just want you to be happy.”

“I know.” He doesn’t say that at this point he doubts that’s possible. That’s a whole other conversation, and not really something he wants to get into anyway. It just bums people out when he talks about his pessimistic outlook on life. Like, he may be a futurist, but that doesn’t mean he thinks the future holds anything for him in particular.

She checks the time on her phone. “Crap. Tony, I promised Nat I’d chat with her in a few minutes. I’m so sorry—”

“You can go. I’ll be fine.” 

“You’re sure?”

He nods, turning away slightly so she can’t see his not-so-fine expression.

“All right, well…okay. Make sure to take care of your hands. I’ll make Natasha check tomorrow morning. And cut your nails, Tony, you know it makes it worse when they’re long and you hate it when you mess up your hands—”

“Yeah, yeah. Come on. Go.” He flaps at her dismissively, already rummaging around in his drawers for the Bactine. 

“Okay, bye. I love you, Tony. Don’t ever doubt that.”

“I don’t.”

She smiles, then waves and cuts off the connection.

He immediately feels the silence of his lab press into him. He shivers. “J, turn the temperature up. And some music, if you would.”

“Of course, sir. And the disinfectant spray is in the bottom drawer to the left. Nail clippers are in the top to the right.”

“Okay. Thanks, JARVIS.”

With the music blasting in the lab and with him engrossed in his work, it’s almost enough to make him forget that he’s alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter, aka overuse of dashes
> 
> i wanted to make it clear here that while tony has been distracted by the whole soulmate thing, he is still very much dealing with the aftereffects of what happened in the battle of new york. i don't have ptsd myself so i modeled the anxiety attack after my own (from ocd) so hopefully that's not too inaccurate? lmk tho


	7. Maybe

Things gradually change over the next few months. Steve progresses in his sign language education, and soon enough he’s responding to Tony’s signs to Clint, and eventually Tony just gives up and signs to Steve directly. It’s good not having to use the text-to-speech program, anyway. So. That’s a thing.

Tony also stops avoiding Steve for the most part. Sometimes he’ll still make an excuse when he’s feeling overwhelmed, but he’s always done that. They mostly only see each other in the mornings and at team night at first, but at some point Steve starts coming in the lab to ask questions, and then just to sit down and sketch while Tony works. It’s, you know. Nice.

And Steve is too. Nice, Tony means. It’s almost laughable sometimes, but most of the time it just makes something in Tony tighten painfully, because it’s not for the reason he wants. Steve is just nice to everybody. Doesn’t have anything to do with Tony. It’s probably actually in spite of Tony. So. Whatever. Tony will take what he gets and he’ll manage.

It’s about five months after Steve moved in when Bruce decides to take the figurative plunge and move in as well, on the condition he be allowed to leave whenever he wants. Tony is overjoyed. Obviously he doesn’t know Bruce so well, but he knows Bruce sciences and that is more than enough for Tony. 

The day Bruce moves in Tony is nearly vibrating with excitement, Steve watching with amusement from the kitchen. Clint is somewhere, Tony isn’t going to bother tracking him down for this, and Natasha is at the table reading over a report. 

Bruce steps in about five minutes after the time he said he’d be there, mumbling an apology about some sort of incident with security. 

Tony’s eyes light up, and he fumbles to pull his phone out. “Incident, you say? Did that make you…angry?”

“Tony,” Steve begins to reprimand.

“I just want to test out the safety room,” Tony types plaintively. “I’m a scientist. I like to test things.”

“Like people’s patience?” Natasha supplies, looking up from her tablet with a small smile.

“Oh, especially that,” Tony types, grinning. “Hey, Bruce, would it make you angry if I poked you?”

“Well, I can’t say I’d enjoy it—”

Tony prods him on the cheek. Steve’s eyes widen a fraction. He’s never seen Tony voluntarily touch someone before. Hm.

Bruce attempts a smile, which ends up looking more like a grimace. “Please don’t.”

Tony sniffs. “You’re no fun at all. But you know what is fun? Science. I want to show you your lab, come on!” He beckons wildly. When Bruce stays put, looking awkwardly around the kitchen, Tony scowls and takes a section of Bruce’s shirt between his index finger and thumb. “I will drag you.”

That’s twice now, Steve notes, feeling an irrational flash of jealousy. What is it that makes it okay to touch Bruce but not Steve? Or, he amends hurriedly, anyone else. Not just him. It’s not like he wants to be touched by Tony or anything. Um. Yes.

Bruce lets himself be led by Tony, and Steve is left in the kitchen with Natasha, who is looking at him in That Way again, the way that means she knows something he doesn’t, which is pretty much always. Casually, she observes, “You are unhappy.”

“What? No.”

“You are.” She stares at him a moment longer, then her lips curve into a smile. “There is nothing to be unhappy about. Don’t worry.”

“I have no idea what you mean,” he informs her lightly. “I’m not unhappy about anything, and I’m not worried either.”

“Hm.” Her gaze shifts back to her tablet, obviously dismissing him. He won’t admit that he walks a little bit faster out of the room after that.

Despite Natasha’s…advice…? Steve still finds himself frowning when he comes upon Bruce and Tony watching Star Trek in the communal living room later that evening. Tony has inched over from his normal spot at the edge of the couch, seated a reasonable distance away from Bruce and typing at a rapidfire speed, something about warp something or other. Bruce is patiently listening, nodding at parts.

“Tony? I thought team night wasn’t until tomorrow,” hazards Steve, because maybe this is a group thing and he just missed the memo?

“Oh, yeah, I know. Bruce just hasn’t seen any Trek since he was younger and I thought I’d catch him up. You want to join? You’ve only seen a few of the movies, right?”

Steve looks between Bruce and Tony, and a part of him twists. “No. That’s all right.”

“Well, okay, but you’re missing out.”

Steve turns to leave the room. He doesn’t really feel hungry anymore. 

It only continues over the next week. Steve tries to go in to sketch in Tony’s lab, except for Bruce is there too. He brings in some coffee, but Bruce already got him some, thanks. He’s using his text-to-speech program and not even complaining about it. Steve is pretty sure a permanent scowl is etched on his face by this point.

It’s not fair of him to be jealous, he reminds himself every time he sees them together. Tony isn’t his. Even if they were, well…something more than they are, it wouldn’t give him the right to be possessive. But…it makes him unhappy to think that after all this effort put in to his and Tony’s burgeoning relationship, it could all be replaced just like that by someone else. He doesn’t understand why, either. He doesn’t get why Bruce is special. But he’s beginning to suspect.

He finally works up the courage to ask a little over a week from the day Bruce moved in. Bruce went to bed early, and Tony is on an engineering bend, so he probably won’t be sleeping for a while. Steve usually tries not to talk too much while Tony is working out of consideration—he needs his hands to tinker with, after all—so even he is almost surprised when he blurts out, “So, is Bruce your soulmate or something?”

He’s expecting a lot of things, but he isn’t expecting Tony to burst out into peals of laughter, swiveling around and signing shakily, “What? Where would you get that idea?”

Steve has never heard Tony laugh before. Honestly he wasn’t even sure if he could. It’s nice, though. It’s warm like him. “Well…you touch him when you won’t touch anyone else, and you have television nights with him, and you spend all day with him, and…” He decides to shut up before he reveals how much this has been bothering him, looking down at his feet.

If Tony laughing surprised him, it’s nothing compared to the shock he gets when he feels the lightest of touches on his shoulder. Steve looks down wonderingly at his shoulder, then at Tony.

“No. He’s not my soulmate,” Tony signs. “Science is just one of my special interests so I’ve been happy about getting to indulge in it with someone else. But I’ve sort of been ignoring you too, haven’t I? Sorry about that.”

“Oh, no—” Steve flushes slightly, scratching the back of his neck. “It’s fine. I was just curious.”

Tony raises an eyebrow, then shakes his head, still smiling. He’s about to wheel back over to his work station when Steve decides to torture himself even more by asking, “So…who’s your soulmate, then? Have you met them?”

The way Tony freezes is almost painful to watch. Different emotions flit across his face, finally settling on something possibly best described as ‘wary and resigned’. 

“I’ve met one of them,” Tony finally signs hesitantly.

“You have two?”

Tony bristles. “Is that a problem?”

Steve raises his hands in what he hopes is a placating manner. “Of course not, Tony. Three-way bonds are special.”

Tony relaxes, peeking up at Steve hopefully. But then his entire mood changes to something visibly dark. “Well. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want me.”

“What? Why?”

“Why would he?” Tony counters. “I’m…not..” He stops mid-sign, then continues, “He’s too good for me anyway.”

Steve frowns, thinking over everything Tony’s said in the past few minutes. “Have you asked him what he thinks about all this?”

Tony looks away and shakes his head. “No. He lost someone special to him and he’s still dealing with it. I don’t want him to have to deal with me too.” 

Steve feels something nagging at the corner of his mind, but he ignores it. “Tony, you’re not a problem to be dealt with, especially to your soulmate. You should ask him.”

Tony just stares at him for a while, before slowly signing, “Maybe.”

Steve feels that same something twist in him, but he ignores that too and forces a smile. He’s a lot better at it than Tony is. “Good. Well, I should let you get back to improving the world one circuit at a time.”

Tony rolls his eyes. “Someday I’ll convince you to stay up late like an actual adult.”

Steve grins. “Maybe. Night, Tony.”

Tony goes back to his work, but when Steve throws one last fleeting glance over his shoulder through the clear doors of the lab, Tony is looking at him too. Neither of them are sure who looks away first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these fricking dorks


	8. Video Conferences

“You may be wondering why I have assembled you here today,” begins Tony, his signs regal and sweeping.

“Cut the crap,” Rhodey interrupts. “You said this was a matter of national importance.”

“It is,” Tony signs, eyes wide and innocent. “It’s about Captain America and whether I should tell him we’re destined to make out.”

Pepper and Rhodey groan simultaneously from the split-screen video call. “Tony…” Pepper says in a warning tone. “You know Jim is busy.”

Tony pouts. “I know. But there’s been a new development. I’m actually considering telling him, but I need advice from my two best friends.”

“You are?” asks Pepper, suddenly brightening. “That’s great!”

Rhodey checks his watch impassively and says, “Five minutes. You know I love you, Tones, but…”

“Yeah, yeah,” he signs impatiently. “I’ll be fast. Okay, so the deal is that I talked with Steve last night and he asked me if Bruce was my soulmate—”

Rhodey snorts and Pepper hides her smile behind her hand.

“And obviously I said no and then he asked who it was then and I told him I had met one of them and he said so you have two and I said—”

“Cliff notes, Tony,” Rhodey says patiently. 

“Fine! Basically he said that a three-way bond was special and that he thinks I should ask my soulmate whether he wants me or not and that I wouldn’t be a problem to him—my soulmate, not him him, but close enough, so—”

“I would like everybody here to note that that is what I’ve been saying all along,” Pepper says, rolling her eyes. 

“Whatever, Pepper. You told me so, blah blah. Point is I feel like I should maybe actually tell him and let him make the decision for himself. Should I do it?”

“Of course I think you should tell him,” says Pepper with a hint of exasperation.

Rhodey takes a bit longer to think about it, finally saying, “Don’t spring it on him. It’s important, and you have to treat it like it is. But, yeah. I think he deserves to know.”

Tony smiles, shy and small. “Yeah, that’s what I think. I think…I’m going to tell him tonight. He’s coming back from a mission so I’ll just…set up dinner, maybe, something nice. Yeah.”

“I’m so proud of you, Tony. This is the right thing to do.” Pepper smiles back at him.

“Tony, I have to go, but let me know how it goes, all right? You’ll do great.” Rhodey flashes a thumbs up, then signs off.

“I need to get going, too. Meeting. You had better keep me updated too!”

“Of course. Have fun.” He laughs at her expression, then shuts off the call.

He stares at his phone, open to the running text conversation between him and Steve, erasing and rewriting for a few minutes before he finally settles on, “Hey Steve. Want to go get some dinner tonight to celebrate a successful mission? I have something to talk to you about.”

He chews on his lower lip, then presses send. It’s read immediately, but it takes Steve about a half hour to respond, during which Tony thoroughly agonizes over all of his life decisions.

“sorry can’t,” reads the message. “mission went sideways, Bucky’s alive + compromised”

And just like that, all of his hopes go down the drain, because there’s no way he can compare to Bucky, even as an apparent zombie.

He doesn’t know why he ever thought he could.

\-----------------

Steve is gone most the time after that, out tracking leads on Bucky. Tony busies himself with his work, resolutely ignoring both the situation and the many calls from Pepper and Rhodey. Occasionally Natasha will come check on him, looking at him with a sympathy that pisses him off. It's not like she knows what's going on. At least he thinks. He made Pepper promise, but who knows anymore. And Natasha is smart. Whatever. He doesn't care.

The anxiety attacks get worse too. If he were talking to Pepper she'd probably tell him to go see his therapist, but he's not, so. He knows he's being petty, not talking to his friends just because they agreed with him when he thought he should tell Steve when that would obviously be a mistake of colossal proportions, especially because nobody knew about Bucky back then, but he's not above admitting he's a petty person. He's also definitely not above sitting curled up in his lab, shaking with memories of being trapped in space and thinking he was going to die cold and alone. Nope. He is all over that crap.

And then, of course, because his luck is terrible and the world hates him almost more than he hates himself, Bucky crashes through his window, and you know the rest. It involves sandwiches, and it ends as it began: with Tony giving up and calling Pepper and Rhodey for help. 

He interrupts their various angry-worried-angry-again words with a dully signed, "Bucky is here."

They immediately swing back to worried. "What?!" Pepper shrieks. "The Winter Soldier?! Are you okay, did he hurt you--"

Rhodey says urgently, "I can get down there in like an hour, just say the word--"

Tony shakes his head. "No. I'm fine. He appears to be stable. But."

They both wait, frowning.

"He's also my other soulmate."

Pepper exhales. "Oh."

Rhodey just crosses his arms. "So you've gotten yourself two super-soldiers. What's wrong with that?"

Tony glares at Rhodey. "What's wrong is I can't have either of them!"

Rhodey raises an eyebrow. "What, they told you that?"

"No, but--"

"You were ready to tell Steve before all this, right? What's so different about now?"

Tony huffs, frustrated. “The love of his life is back from the dead and in my house, is what! I don’t see why this is so difficult to understand! Everything is different! He wouldn’t even—" He breaks off, looking angrily at his hands. 

“He wouldn’t even what?”

“I haven’t seen him for a month, and when he came to pick up Bucky, he didn’t even say anything to me. I just got a note with thanks and a sandwich.” Looking back up at the camera, he signs, “I’m not going to delude myself into thinking he cares about me. Not with Bucky around, because he’s always going to care more about him.”

“Well, what about Bucky?” asks Rhodey, ever practical as always.

“What about him?” Tony signs snappishly. “I don’t like him, obviously. I don’t even know him.”

“Then get to know him. Maybe he’s your way in.” 

Bucky knows the conversation is ongoing, but he leaves after that. He had come to thank Tony personally again for helping him out with his arm, and stopped just inside the door when Tony’s friend mentioned telling Steve something. He doesn’t get why Tony is using sign, but it’s one of the languages Bucky is fluent in, so he had no trouble deciphering what appeared to be evidence of Tony having a major crush on his soulmate and using Bucky to get to him. He wasn’t going to allow anything of the sort. He was never going to let anyone hurt Steve again, including Tony.

Tony, of course, did not realize that anything of the sort was going on, so he responds, “I’m not going to just use him to get into their little soulmate party! I’ll try to get to know him, sure, but I’m not going to do it for any kind of agenda.”

“Fine. So you’ll be friends with Bucky and you’ll be friends with Steve and then that friendship will blossom—“

Tony holds up his hands. “Yeah, you can stop right there. There will be no blossoming of any kind occurring. I’m going to be friends with them and only friends with them and I’m going to manage just fine because I am an adult.”

Rhodey purses his lips. “Fine. If you say so.”

“I do.” A thought comes to Tony. “Hey, Pep, how do you think the board would feel about opening up a prosthetics division? I’ve got a pretty nice prototype I’m working on—”

“I’ll bring it up to them next meeting, but I’m sure it’ll go over well. Maybe we can try a veterans’ program?”

“If you guys are just gonna talk business, I’m out,” Rhodey interjects. “It’s 3AM where I am.”

“All right, Rhodey. See you.” Tony waves, he talks with Pepper a half hour more before she has to leave, and then he returns to modifying his design for the new prosthetic, feeling fairly confident about the days ahead of him.

And, yeah, maybe he skips team night that night because he knows he’ll have to see Steve and Bucky together, but in his defense, he really is quite busy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *carefully piles another layer of misunderstanding on top of misunderstanding lasagna* mm delicious
> 
> is it unrealistic for tony to avoid pep and rhodey's phone calls for 5-ish months? yes definitely. did i make it happen anyway to not mess up my already messed up timeline? also yes


	9. In Which Steve Feels Like A Douche and Bucky Sort Of Is One

Something is officially up, and not in any of the fun ways, either. Bucky is acting strange. Or, well. It’s not like Tony has any basis of comparison other than the old comics and a couple of mission files on the Winter Soldier, but he’s pretty sure he’s right, because Bucky acts differently around everyone else. 

It starts a few days after Bucky comes to the Tower, after Tony finally emerges from his lab. Tony has spent the past hour mentally prepping himself for the possibility of seeing one of his soulmates, but nothing could prepare him for what actually happens when he sees Bucky in the communal kitchen.

“Oh, hey, Bucky,” Tony types into his program, attempting to sound casual about the whole thing. 

Bucky peers at him, then rumbles, “James. Bucky is for my friends.”

And ouch, that stings, but okay. “All right, James, then. I’ve actually been meaning to find you. I’ve been working on a new arm that should be a lot lighter and less painful, plus—”

Bucky narrows his eyes. “I do not need anything from you.”

Tony can practically feel ice emanating from the other man. “Uh, wow. Um…well, if you don’t want it I guess that’s fine, but I’d appreciate it if you’d let me—”

“No.” 

Tony’s awkward smile freezes. “Ah. Hm. Gotcha. I’ll just…” He jabs his thumb at the door, hoping that he doesn’t look too offended, but knowing he’s probably failing. 

Bucky doesn’t respond, just looks at him with calculating eyes as Tony flees.

Things don’t exactly get better. Natasha got pissed after he skipped the last team night, so he is told in no uncertain terms to be there the following Wednesday. He shows up, and Bucky glares at him the entire time. Clint even comments on it—“Dude, what did Tony do?”—which results in Bucky shifting his glare to him for a few moments and Clint backing down. Natasha watches the whole situation without commenting. Bruce does not comment either, mostly because he fell asleep as soon as he sat down. Tony just goes back to his normal space in the corner of the couch and tries to make himself as small as possible. 

After the movie finishes, he sees Steve take Bucky aside out of the corner of his eye and whisper something to him. Bucky scowls and harshly whispers something back. Steve draws back, brow furrowed, and glances over at Tony. Tony looks away.

Because the thing is, he doesn’t know what he did, but that’s partially because it could be so many things he can’t pick just one. Maybe it’s his background, maybe it’s his friendship with Steve, maybe Bucky somehow found out they were soulmates (he really hopes not). Whatever it is, Tony is sure he deserves it. There are very few things he doesn’t deserve, really. 

So he puts up with the glaring, and the silent treatment, and he works on the arm that Bucky will apparently never use, and he works on stuff for SI and he works on stuff for the team. And it’s all fine, so whatever. That is to say, it’s all fine until he nearly dies.

But. First, let’s backtrack.

Steve is confused. That’s pretty much par for the course these days, really, but he is especially confused and feeling more than a little bit like a rotten person because Bucky came back, and he still feels drawn to Tony. 

Before he found out Bucky was alive, he had finally been able to admit to himself that he had sort of a thing for Tony. Not that he was going to act on it or anything, but. Yeah. Nothing he couldn’t manage with decades worth of training in repressing his feelings.

And then, of course, Bucky is alive and he doesn’t know how to deal with that except for to throw himself doggedly into finding him. And he did. He spent all of his time and energy on the search, except for one thing, which was that at the end of a long day, sometimes he’d think of Tony, and how nice it would be to see his warm eyes light up when he sees Steve. Hence the confusion. Good people don’t find out that their soulmates are alive and still think about other people, right? Right. So he pushes it down deep and tries even harder to find Bucky and it works for a little while.

He’s taking a rare break at home in the Tower because there are no reported signings when JARVIS pipes up, “Captain, Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes is presently in Sir’s lab. He wanted to notify you.”

At first he thinks it’s a malfunction or something, but when JARVIS patiently repeats, “Captain, the lab,” he makes his way down anyway. And there’s Bucky, looking haggard but _there_ , and Tony is smiling behind him, and he’s so overcome that for a moment he can’t think of anything to say. Honestly, he’s a little afraid that if he thanks Tony or says anything at all right then he might start crying, so instead he sticks to talking to Bucky and resolves to pay back Tony somehow. And surely, he thinks, now that Bucky is properly back, he won’t think about Tony anymore.

He prepares a sandwich the next day and a note, which is supposed to just be a thank you, except for he spaces out and then finds he’s drawn a really muscular torso for his smiley face and, even more embarrassing, Tony’s eyes. They’re just nice eyes though, he thinks desperately. Nothing else behind that, nope. 

But. When he picks up the empty plate, he sees Tony hard at work on what appears to be a prosthetic arm, biting slightly on his lower lip, and his heart fills with something he probably wouldn’t be able to recognize if it weren’t something he felt with Bucky all the time. He stiffens at the realization. Because if he’s still feeling this even now Bucky’s back, what does that even mean? He still loves Bucky more than anything. He just…also feels something for Tony. (He refuses to call it love, because that might make it real.) He leaves the lab lost in thought, ruins a couple of punching bags, and kisses Bucky, feeling like the worst person in the world.

It doesn’t make him feel much better that Bucky apparently hates Tony. He actually seemed to be fine with him until he went down to thank Tony and came back to their floor fuming, pacing around the floor and muttering something in Russian. Ever since he’s been actually pretty awful to Tony, and Steve doesn’t get it. 

That Wednesday, faced with the extent of Bucky’s dislike for Tony, he takes Bucky aside and whispers, “What’s your problem with Tony? He’s a nice guy, I don’t understand—”

Bucky’s face twists and he growls, “I don’t understand why you trust him. He is not who you think he is.”

Feeling even more confused than normal, Steve glances at Tony. Tony is looking back at him, looking sad and lost, but he quickly looks away, down at his hands. 

“How would you know that after barely more than a week of knowing him when I’ve known him for a over a year?” Steve asks, frustrated. 

“He is not being honest with you,” Bucky hisses. “He does not even use his real voice!”

Steve groans, running his hands through his hair. “Because he can’t, Buck! He’s nonverbal. It means he literally can’t talk. He can only communicate through his voice program and sign language.”

Bucky pauses, looking slightly sheepish. “Ah. Well, that explains that then, but not…other things.” He frowns. “I just want to keep you safe, Steve.”

“From my teammate?” Steve asks incredulously. “You must be misunderstanding something, because Tony would never hurt me or anybody he works with. What happened down there with him?”

Bucky purses his lips. “I can’t tell you.”

“What, because you don’t trust me?”

Bucky just looks at him steadily. “Do you tell me everything?”

That shuts him down immediately. He’s acting all sanctimonious when he himself has no moral ground to stand on. He doesn’t answer, just shifts his weight to his other foot.

Bucky nods, satisfied. “I thought so. Just trust me. He’s hiding something.”

He walks away after that, leaving Steve in the hallway feeling horrible and dirty. 

Bucky continues treating Tony with suspicion and a kind of thinly-veiled disgust, and Steve continues to be conflicted, and obviously everybody involved is Completely Fine, until Tony nearly dies.

Then nobody is, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bucky smh tone it down
> 
> next chapter: Tony Nearly Dies (tm)


	10. In Which Tony Nearly Dies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw in this chapter for bodily injury, blood mention, implied hospital use, and needles mention

It’s about a month from the time Bucky came to the Tower on the day that Tony nearly dies. The day dawns clear and warm, which is apparently a signal for villains everywhere that it’s time to act up.

The call to assemble comes around noon, which sucks because everyone except for Tony is in the middle of lunch. Clint in particular is grumbling a lot about having to leave behind reheated leftovers from last night’s Indian food—“I just got it out of the microwave, guys, and you can’t reheat something twice! Don’t you know basic food safety?”—while he suits up. Tony is, as per usual, in his lab when the call comes, snacking on one of the granola bars Pepper stashed in his drawer last time she came over. But, honestly, he was pretty bored, so the alarm isn’t exactly unwelcome. 

Today is also the first day that Bucky is going out on the field with the rest of them. SHIELD insisted that he get cleared by their psychiatrists and everything before heading out—some kind of ‘security protocol’ which really means they’re just scared of the Winter Soldier. Tony had tried, unsuccessfully, to outfit Bucky with some of his proprietary body armor and a couple of updated weapons, but Bucky had refused. Tony is worried and a little pissed off, but he’s not going to force him.

So, anyway, they all head out to Central Park (a favorite of all villains everywhere), where some C-lister has been blowing up trees with what looks to be some kind of targeted force beam. He’s not doing much else, apart from the generic yelling about how he’s going to take over the world and something about his tragic backstory, but the trees are suffering, so.

The Avengers-plus-Bucky aren’t really expecting much of a fight, except for it turns out whatshisname was actually a front for the newly reformed Masters of Evil, who were hiding in a pond and don’t really look pleased about it. They do, however, seem pleased to have gotten the drop on the Avengers (plus Bucky). They’re also doing some generic yelling about some kind of adhesive that they’re going to use to glue the entire world, which Tony is pretty sure was the plot of some kid movie about LEGOs, but whatever. The glue doesn’t actually make an appearance, so it’s not really something he has to think about too hard.

Battles are kind of lonely for Tony, even surrounded by people. He has an eye tracking device in his suit that he can use to communicate, but it’s pretty slow so he doesn’t use it much unless he needs his teammates to know something. He envies the conversations between everyone else. He even is a bit jealous about everyone else getting constant reprimands from Cap. If he could, he’d be chattering more than everyone else, probably. But he supposes it’s not really productive to think about something that won’t happen, at least right now. He really should start looking into a mind reader or something for JARVIS—

And then, almost as if in slow-motion, he notices something in his peripheral vision. The original villain, who’s been pouting about being ignored, has apparently decided to do something about it and is aiming his beam at…Bucky.

Bucky isn’t paying attention to him.

And Bucky doesn’t have Tony’s body armor.

And Bucky is a jerk, but he’s Tony’s soulmate.

It only takes a split second to make the call. He swoops down and takes the hit.

JARVIS immediately starts rattling off statistics—armor integrity down, chest plate caved in and pressing in on his lungs, major injury to the abdominal region where the armor was pierced, likely internal bleeding, should I call the others, Sir? Sir!

But all he’s registering is painpainpainpain and Bucky’s eyes, which are wide and disbelieving above his face mask. 

They’re nice eyes. He can see why Steve likes them.

\--------------------- 

When he next comes to, it’s to yelling. Clint. “We need to get the armor off! He can’t breathe, he—”

“It’s also what’s keeping the wound in his abdomen mostly closed,” argues Natasha. 

“Well, then, let’s at least take off the chest plate.”

Tony barely feels the dull panic rising in him. The chest plate is connected to the armor around his arms. He has his short-sleeved undersuit on today. They’ll see.

He can’t really bring himself to care. He drifts off again.

\--------------------

“—id you know? Natasha! Did you know?!”

“I suspected.” Her voice is hesitant. “SHIELD registers the soul words of all of its operatives, you know that. Even if it’s not, ah…willingly disclosed. I heard Steve’s myself, and I put together the rest from the way he acted around them.”

“And you didn’t tell me?” Clint sounds offended. “You know I—“

“That’s not important right now,” Natasha interrupts. “We need to get him into surgery.” She pauses. “And I’m sure I don’t need to tell you not to inform either of them about what you’ve learned.”

“Fine.”

\------------------

His everything hurts. He doesn’t really want to wake up, actually, but his throat is scratchy and dry and he might kill for a glass of water. Also his leg itches.

When he opens his eyes, they’re blurry and he can feel sand at the corners. How long has he been asleep? Probably a while, right?

“Don’t try to move,” comes a slightly rusty voice from the other side of the room. He can’t see who’s talking lying down, but he technically knows who it is even if he hasn’t heard them much. Bucky. “You’ve been asleep for about a week.”

Lifting his hand blearily, he signs, “That doesn’t sound much like me.”

“Mm.” He hears the rustle of fabric, and Bucky comes into view. “You saved me.”

Tony casts back in his mind. The battle, and then…“I guess so.”

“Why? I have not done anything to earn your loyalty.” Bucky sounds frustrated.

“Just because you don’t like me doesn’t mean you’re not important.” 

Bucky thinks about that for a moment, then says mulishly, “I heard you talking to your friends when I first came. They said you should tell Steve something and that you should use me to get to him.”

Tony feels a flash of anxiety, but he would have said something if he heard the soulmate part, presumably. He forces himself to calm down and signs, “If you had stayed you would have heard me say that I would never use you to do anything.”

Bucky presses his lips together. “And what was it you were going to tell Steve? I presumed that you were going to confess your love for him.”

Tony snorts. It hurts, and he winces. What can he say without telling Bucky? He finally settles on, “Not exactly. Steve asked me a question a while back, something personal, and I told a half-truth because I wasn’t ready to talk about it. My friends thought I should tell him the whole thing, but I didn’t want to intrude when you had just gotten back.” Another half-truth. It’s what he’s good at, really.

“I see.” There’s a silence, then, “I’m sorry. I should have asked you in the first place.”

“It’s fine.” It’s not, but Tony gets it, sort of. And maybe he wasn’t so off the mark in the first place. Tony squashes that thought immediately.

“I will call in the others now.” Bucky moves away from the bed, but before he leaves, he says warmer than Tony’s ever heard him, “And thank you. For saving me, I mean.”

“Anytime. Don’t take me up on that though.”

Bucky laughs, deep and rich, and closes the door behind him. The nurses rush in after that, and then it’s all how-are-you-feeling-today-Mr.-Stark and blood pressure cuffs and needles, but his mind is still on that laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> s m h bucky...but hey it's resolved now. i can't keep angst up for too long tbh i just wrap up one angst and start up new angsts in a neverending cycle of small angsts
> 
> i've always thought adhesive x is the most hilarious original avengers plot device? its just...super strong glue. glue the world. so evil. 
> 
> next chapter: what will clint do with his newfound knowledge about tony's soulmates? what will pep and rhodey do when they find out that tony nearly died, again? how will steve react to this whole thing? and will tony be able to survive the influx of all the avengers in his hospital room at once? tune in to find out the answer to all of these more-or-less rhetorical questions. exciting


	11. The Avengers Descend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw this chapter for blood ment, graphic-ish description of bodily injury, hospitals

Steve doesn’t see what’s happened to Tony until Bucky frantically says, “Iron Man? Stark?! Tony!” over the comms. But when he turns around, it’s all he can see. 

Tony is on the ground. Tony is struggling for breath. Tony is bleeding from a sizable hole in his abdomen. Tony. 

“Steve,” admonishes Natasha gently. 

Out of habit he responds, “Codenames only on the comms.” She smiles at him and nods, but her eyebrows are drawn together and she’s obviously worried.

“Can you, Hulk, and the Winter Soldier wrap this up? We need to get Iron Man to the jet and over to medical.”

“I’m going with you,” says Bucky, frowning. “I need to talk to him.”

Clint scowls, already clambering down from his position on top of a tree and over to Tony. “First off, he’s not going to be up to much of anything for a while. Second, if he was going to talk to anyone, I don’t see why it should be you. You’ve been a total douche to him.”

Bucky looks down at Tony, then at Clint. “Fine,” he grumbles. “But later.”

Steve watches Natasha and Clint leave with Tony—well, really they’re sort of dragging him—feeling despair wind in the pit of his stomach. This shouldn’t have happened. He should have protected Tony from whatever it was he was doing.

What is it he was doing, anyway? Bucky would know. Bucky, whose eyes are still wide and haunted, and Steve is starting to think he might know what happened.

They finish up the fight with extreme prejudice—the C-lister in particular gets a vicious whack on the head from the Hulk—but Steve’s mind is elsewhere, and it’s obvious Bucky’s is too.

On the way over to SHIELD medical (Tony will be pissed about that, he hates it there) Steve quietly asks, “Bucky, what happened back there?”

Bucky clenches his teeth and ekes out, “I was distracted. Didn’t notice the little guy aiming his beam at me. Tony took the hit.”

“Distracted by what?”

Bucky pauses. Finally, he whispers, “The Winter Soldier. He wanted out.”

Steve’s face falls. “Oh, Buck…”

“Looks like all those hacks at SHIELD were wrong about me,” Bucky says mirthlessly. “I’m not ready to be anywhere. Not in the field, not with teammates, not with you.”

“That’s not true,” Steve protests, wondering if he’s wrong. 

“Well, two out of three,” he hears Bruce mutter, and whips his head around.

“What was that?”

“You’re not fit to be with the team, not if you’re going to keep treating Tony like that.” Bruce’s eyes are flinty. “I haven’t said anything because I didn’t think it was my place, but seriously, where do you get off treating him like he’s less than dirt?”

“Bruce—” Steve says warningly, though he sort of agrees.

“No, let me continue. Tony is a good guy. He gave you a home, he fixed your arm. He’s nearly dying right now, and he did it for you. There’s nothing he could have done to you to justify treating him the way you do. And I’m not just going to let it pass anymore.”

Bucky is silent. Then, he says, voice cracking, “You’re probably right.”

Bruce frowns. “I know I’m right.”

“I just…I heard something, and…” Bucky shakes his head. “It doesn’t make sense. That’s why I want to talk to him.”

“Well, it had better involve thanks and a major apology,” Bruce says, narrowing his eyes. Bucky doesn’t say anything, just looks down at his lap.

The following week is stressful for everyone. JARVIS automatically notified Pepper and Tony’s other friend—Rhodes? Tony has some kind of nickname for him, but he can’t quite recall—so they, along with the rest of the Avengers (and Bucky) take shifts to watch over the slumbering man. 

They all have their different ways of dealing. Bruce reads Tony old science fiction novels, but when he’s not on shift he locks himself in his lab. Natasha leans into Pepper, who rubs circles into Tony’s hand and murmurs soft stories. Rhodes talks about old college shenanigans, while Clint signs about anything and everything and goes off at night to Skype with some mystery person. Bucky watches, completely silent, in the corner.

Steve, personally, has gone through more punching bags in the last few days than ever. He’s worried Tony will never wake up even though the doctors say he’s just recovering, and he’s mad. Maybe a little at Bucky, maybe a little at Tony for being so darn self-sacrificing, but mostly at himself. He can’t shake the thought that he should have been there. If he had done more…more for Bucky, more for Tony, more in the fight, maybe Tony would be around and joking and not pale in a bed with some truly horrid floral sheets. (Clint picked them out.)

Sometimes, when Tony shifts in his sleep, his hospital-issue gown will ride up ever so slightly on his arms, and Steve will see just the slightest hint of black on both biceps. Soul words are intensely private, so he would never look, but it doesn’t stop him from wanting to lift it up just a little bit higher and see—

And see what? Tony isn’t his soulmate. He’s soulmated to some jerk who doesn’t realize how lucky they are. They aren’t even here. He feels a flash of righteous anger. He’s here. He’s here, and he wishes so much sometimes that he could lift up that sleeve and see “Mr. Stark” written in deep black ink, and have “Captain” next to “Need some help, punk?” on his chest, and he could have both of them without feeling awful about it every time the thought crosses his mind.

But. Wishes don’t come true, and Tony will never be his, and Tony isn’t even awake. So instead he just watches him sleep and whispers, “Wake up. Please wake up,” in between the stories they never told in the comics, the ones where he failed and felt lonely and didn’t feel worthy to carry the title of Captain America. He imagines if Tony could hear he’d tell him it was all right.

When Bucky comes out, nurses trailing behind him, for a moment he fears the worst. But Tony is awake, Bucky says, and lucid. And also, he whispers just for Steve, they corrected their little misunderstanding. Steve smiles for the first time in eight days.

Steve makes sure not to be the first one in the room, not wanting to appear too eager. He doesn’t have that right, after all. Pepper and Rhodes get that honor, with Clint and Natasha close behind and Steve last. Bucky stays back to call Bruce, who’s still in his lab. 

“Tony, if you almost die again, I will kill you,” Pepper says, not quite in tears but close. “I’d hug you, but you went and got a hole in your abdomen.”

Tony fakes a smile—probably still in a lot of pain, Steve thinks—and signs, “Sorry to disappoint.”

Rhodes, for his part, just grins helplessly and says, “Glad to see you back, man.”

“Glad to be back.”

Natasha leans down and whispers something that turns Tony white, gesturing towards Clint. Eventually the look on his face shifts to resignation, but he still looks slightly wary.

Clint does not appear to notice. “Hey, man!” he says cheerfully. “Wanna hear what they did to you?”

Tony vehemently shakes his head, then groans. Clint beams. “I’ll take that as a yes. See, the force beam from that dude crushed in your chest plate but the main point of impact was your abdomen, and the armor was pierced and forced inward—”

Tony turns a bit green, in less of a Hulkish way and more of a nauseous way, and Natasha puts a hand over Clint’s mouth, smiling pleasantly. “He’ll shut up now.”

Steve, who’s been waiting patiently all this time, steps forward. “Tony. I’m so glad you’re awake. We’ve all been real worried about you.”

Tony waves that off dismissively, but Steve notices he looks sort of pleased. “I’m fine. I’m just glad everyone else is all right too.”

Natasha’s taken her hand off Clint now, so she’s not able to stop him saying smugly, “You see that, Steve? He’s got a beautiful soul, huh?”

Tony’s eyes widen almost comically, and he makes a mouth-zipping motion.

Steve, confused, says, “I guess you could put it that way.”

“Yeah. I could also say that he’s a real mate, you know? Just a stand-up guy.”

Steve’s brow furrows. “Well, sure. But…really. Tony, I can’t thank you enough for what you did for Bucky back there. Neither of us will ever be able to repay you.”

Tony’s face, which has been open and inviting if tinged with a hint of pain, shuts off. “Oh. Yeah. Sure.”

Steve’s about to question Tony—does he need more pain medication or something? What’s going on?—but he’s interrupted by the arrival of Bruce, who’s out of breath and looking incredibly happy. They exchange words, Clint translating for Tony, and Steve fades back into the background next to Bucky. Tony is quickly swarmed by everyone wanting to talk to him again, and he seems involved enough. But every once in a while his gaze will fall on Steve and Bucky’s entwined hands and a shadow will pass across his face, like a cloud blocking the sun and turning the entire world dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clint u little crap
> 
> He will be confronted about his behavior...in the next chapter
> 
> (also smh @Steve this time)


	12. Coming Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw for mention of an anxiety attack and stitches

Tony is tired, but he needs to take care of something, so he ushers everybody else out of the room except for one. 

Clint.

“What was that,” Tony signs angrily. “Natasha told me you knew, but that you told her you would keep it secret. What you were doing was not secret! If Steve was any less oblivious—“

Clint scowls. “Why would it be so bad if they knew? Why won’t you tell them?”

“They don’t need me!” Tony signs, then pauses. “I don’t need to explain myself to you. Why do you even care?”

“I’m your friend! I care that you’re happy, and you aren’t!” Clint yells, then collects himself and says more calmly, “Plus, I know you’re wrong.”

Tony purses his lips. “I’m not wrong, but how exactly would you know that?”

“I’m in a three-way bond, is how.”

Oh. Huh. “Really? With whom?”

“It’s not really your business, but one of them is named Laura and the other is Phil.”

“Phil? I don’t know any Phils.”

Clint glares at Tony, and he searches his mind. Then his jaw drops open. “Wait, you mean Agent?”

“Fine, sure. Yeah, him. And I know how you feel because Laura thought the exact same thing. She told us, sure, but she kept saying that she didn’t want to intrude on me and Phil and that she could just leave and neither of us had any idea what she was talking about, because we already knew she belonged with us. Same goes for you, Tony. You don’t belong anywhere but with them.”

Tony rolls his eyes. “Look, I appreciate the story and I’m really glad you’re all happy together, but you knew about Laura. They have no idea I exist. They’re happy without me, and they won’t be happy with me. It’s as simple as that.”

“How do you know that?” Clint asks, frustrated. 

Tony stares at him, then signs a small, “Nobody is ever happy with me.”

“Bull.” Clint shakes his head. “What’s going on in your mind, man? I’m happy with you. Natasha is, too, I know that for a fact. Pepper and your other best friend, they were so lost without you, and that was just a week. Bruce has never spent so much time in the lab, and I’m pretty sure he was working on a healing accelerant for you. And have you seen the way Steve looks at you?”

“Don’t even say that,” Tony signs peevishly. “They are friendship looks.”

“Are most people sickeningly in love with their friends?” Clint asks pointedly. “Look. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe Steve doesn’t want to drag you to bed and do unmentionable things to you. But you’re not even giving him the chance to decide. He has the right to choose, Tony.”

“He wouldn’t choose me.”

“Maybe, and I mean that as a big maybe. But you don’t get to choose that for him.”

“And Bucky? Would he ‘choose’ me too?”

Clint hesitates. “I don’t know about him. He’s difficult to get a read on, but he was pretty messed up after you got hurt. But even if he’s a total jerkwad, he still gets to choose too.”

Tony considers that silently. 

Finally, Clint shrugs and says, “Anyway, just something to chew on. I’ll keep dropping hints until you tell them, though. Just sayin’.” 

“I hate you.”

“Nah.” He flashes a grin, then waves goodbye. “I’ll let you sleep. Heal up, all right?”

Tony sticks his tongue out, then closes his eyes. Even though he’s tired, it takes him a while to fall asleep, his mind too full with Clint’s words.

\------------------

Two days later, a nurse turns down the temperature in Tony’s hospital room. He starts hyperventilating and thrashing, which pulls out his stitches and earns him a stern lecture from his doctor. They threaten him with a SHIELD psychologist, but he manages to plead down to his old therapist.

The next day, Bucky shows up and just sits in his hospital room for an hour without saying anything, before casually commenting, “The cold is pretty rotten, huh.” 

Tony doesn’t know how to respond to that. Eventually he says, “I’m kind of mad at you.”

Bucky nods. “That’s fair.” He doesn’t leave, though.

Bucky shows up every day after that, sitting quietly for a while until either he or Tony brings up some inane conversational topic. They forge a brittle friendship.

“How do you feel about that?” his therapist asks calmly, and Tony doesn’t know. He shrugs, but he struggles over the question for the rest of the day. Is he happy? Sad? Still angry? Apathetic?

Steve, for his part, brings Tony food every day, explaining that “medical’s food is awful and you shouldn’t have to experience it,” and that “food is an important part of healing, Tony, you can’t just skip your meals”. Clint schedules his time after Tony’s, wiggling his eyebrows as they both watch Steve leave and humming the tune to ‘Beautiful Soul’ in the doorway. Tony has never been so grateful for Steve’s lack of early 2000’s pop music knowledge.

Natasha brings him his tablet and presses her finger to her lips with the barest hint of a smile. Bruce talks about the advancements he’s making on his healing formula. Rhodey has to leave, and Pep is busy, but they videochat when they can.

It takes a month or so for Tony to be released, with the admonition to avoid strenuous activity of any kind, so no Avenging for him for a while. Everyone is waiting for him at the Tower, with a cake bearing the charming inscription, ‘glad u didn’t die’. Bruce informs Tony that he baked the cake, but Clint did the icing while Bruce was out of the room. His mistake. It won’t happen again, he says, shooting a dark glare at Clint. Clint returns with a bright thumbs up.

Everybody is silently surprised when Bucky steps forward and says, in a voice so small it’s barely audible, “I’m happy you’re back.” And for a moment, it doesn’t matter how else he feels about Bucky trying to make friends after a month spent hating him, because the gesture fills him with a quiet fondness.

“Happy to be back, James.”

“Bucky. If you want.”

“Okay. Bucky.”

They smile at each other, and Steve is beaming in the background, and then Clint belts out, “I DON’T WANT ANOTHER PRETTY FACE, I DON’T WANT—“

Natasha helpfully places her hand over his mouth again, then says pleasantly, “Clint, if you lick my hand one more time, I will put itching powder in your underwear.”

He breaks free and yelps, “I knew that was you!”

And just like that, all of the awkwardness of Tony coming back is gone and everybody is laughing and happy, because he’s not really just coming back, is he?

He’s coming home.

(And yes, maybe Clint spends the rest of the party covertly signing, “—JUST ANYONE TO HOLD, I DON’T WANT MY LOVE TO GO TO WASTE, I WANT YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL”, but Tony can’t bring himself to get mad at him.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> clint is fun (and that's not a typo at the end, he's signing it not singing it so as to avoid natasha's wrath)
> 
> btw i haven't said it yet this fic but thank you all so much for reading, giving kudos, and commenting! i get so happy whenever i see any of that and it means so much to me, honestly.


	13. Happiness, Or A Lack Thereof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw for anxiety attack, light self-harm (scratching), implied (at the very least) emotional child abuse

When Bucky was young, he fancied the idea of being a detective, like in Black Mask. He’d get all the girls and solve all sorts of crimes and wear a cool hat. The girls thing didn’t quite work out, and not the cool hat thing so much either—does a cool arm count?—but he still has hope for the mystery solving thing. 

Of all the mysteries at the Tower, Tony is without a doubt the most curious. Every time Bucky thinks he’s getting closer to understanding him, Tony pushes him further away. Maybe it has to do with the rocky start to their relationship, but Bucky feels like it’s bigger than that. And that’s not the only thing, either. There’s also the whole deal with Clint making really obvious soulmate jokes around Tony and Natasha inevitably shutting him up. At first he thought it was some kind of inside joke, but Tony doesn’t seem amused. If anything, he seems pissed off. 

Bucky asked Steve about it, whose expression darkened. “I think it’s real rotten of him. Tony’s sensitive about his soulmates, and it’s not fair for Clint to razz him about it.”

“Soulmates?” Bucky queries.

“Yeah, he’s got two. He’s only met one of them though. Says they don’t want him.”

“Hm.” He takes in Steve’s angry expression and files it away for later analysis. “Thanks.”

“Don’t bring it up, though, Buck. He gets sad about it.”

“Okay.” He won’t. Not until he gets more answers, anyway.

Next up for questioning is Clint. “Hey, Clint.”

Clint turns around from making a rather spectacularly large sandwich. “Oh, hey.”

“Do you know anything about Tony’s soulmates?”

Clint’s face is almost comical. “Uhhhhhhh…well…”

Natasha appears, as if from nowhere, and stares at Bucky. “No, he doesn’t.” Her smile is worrisome. “Did you need anything else?”

“No. Thanks, though.” He knows when he’s been defeated. Time to retreat.

He finds a nice spot out on his and Steve’s balcony and looks out at the sky, contemplating. Clint obviously knows something. Natasha, too. And Tony. Natasha won’t say anything, and she seems to have an eye on Clint at all times. 

What’s with that, anyway? He reflects back on what Clint signed at Tony’s welcome-home party. Something about how he wanted Tony’s beautiful soul. And he always has something to say about what a great guy Tony is.

The obvious conclusion is that Clint is in love with Tony, and with Tony’s soulmate out of the way, Clint is making a move. Tony also obviously doesn’t know. He’s pretty oblivious in that way. Well. As Tony’s new friend, Bucky thinks Tony should be happy with someone, even if it’s not with his soulmates. 

Now, what to do about it? If this were a romantic comedy, this would probably be the part where he comes up with a bunch of schemes to get them together. But Bucky has always been a straight shooter. So when he next visits Tony’s lab, he sits down on the lab’s couch and promptly says, “Clint is in love with you.”

Tony chokes.

Bucky waits until he shakily signs, “I beg your pardon?”

“Clint. He’s in love with you. Like, romantically.”

The look on Tony’s face is priceless. “How exactly did you come by this information?”

“It’s pretty obvious when you put it all together. Whenever I see you in the communal area, he’s always nearby. Steve says the same thing. And he keeps talking about wanting your beautiful soul and how great you are and stuff like that.”

Tony looks at him dryly, then signs, “What is it with you super soldiers and coming to the most wrong conclusions?”

“Wrong?”

“Clint isn’t in love with me. He’s happily bonded to two soulmates, he certainly doesn’t need me. The soul thing is about something completely different.”

Bucky deflates. Okay, maybe the mystery solving thing should be scratched off the list too. Meekly, he asks, “What did Steve think, then?”

“He thought I was soulmated to Bruce. Which I’m not,” he signs firmly at Bucky’s brightening expression. “Why is everyone so concerned with my love life?”

“Because we’re your friends—”

“And you want me to be happy, is that it?” Tony raises his eyebrows. “You’re all making the assumption I’d be happier with someone. With my soulmates. I wouldn’t be.”

“Why’s that?”

Tony sighs, massages his temples. “Both of my soulmates are wonderful people. I’m not, and don’t argue with me on that, because you’re not going to change my mind. I would feel miserable every day knowing I was dragging them down.”

Bucky pauses. “Both? Steve said you only knew one of them.”

Tony’s eyes widen and he goes slightly white. “Oh, well. Yeah. I met the other one.”

“Oh? What’re they like?”

Tony looks vaguely like he may be asphyxiating. “Fine. They’re. Fine.”

“And they’re not with you either?”

“Nope! Anyway, if that’s all you had to talk about, I’m actually super busy, so—”

Bucky growls. “You have two soulmates and both of them rejected you?”

Tony doesn’t respond, looking away. Finally, he says, “Look, people don’t want to be with me. I’m used to it, I understand it. Iron Man is the first thing I got right in my life. Before that I was a callous killer with a long list of conquests and an even longer list of misdeeds. And even now, what am I? An alcoholic with at least three mental disorders plus a pervasive developmental disorder whose closest relationship is with an artificial intelligence? Would you want someone like that?”

“If he was my soulmate, yeah!”

Tony narrows his eyes. “The soul bond doesn’t fix everything, you know. You want to know why I don’t buy into everyone saying that they want me to find someone because they want me to be happy? Because I’m not happy, yeah, but that’s not going to change just because I obtain a significant other, soulmate or no.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Bucky hisses, suddenly angry. “You think I, of all people, don’t realize that the soul bond isn’t a magical cure-all? That once I found Steve again I didn’t spend months hoping that I would get better for him, that I didn’t kick myself for not being able to do it?”

Tony shrinks. “I’m sor—”

Bucky only gets louder. “I’m back here with him in spite of myself. Not because I’m better, but because not being with me was hurting him and I knew I had to give whatever was left of me, because I love him more than anything. Don’t talk to me about not being happy like I don’t understand it, because there’s not a day goes by that I don’t fight to be here with Steve.”

He turns on his heel and storms out, not noticing Tony’s gasping breaths or his hands formed into claws, scratching at his face frantically with one hand, signing, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” with the other, over and over again.

JARVIS’ anxiety attack call protocol has been shifted from Pepper to his therapist, but he barely even registers the difference, flashing between the angry voice of his father and a cave in Afghanistan and dirty water coming closer and closer and the icy cold of outer space and—

“Tony? Tony, I need you to listen to my voice. We’re going to work on regulating your breathing, okay?”

He tries to listen, he tries to be good, but there’s not enough air and his lungs are screaming and tears are streaming down his face and he can’t stop it he can’t stop anything—

“Tony. Start with small breaths, then slowly make them bigger. In for 7, out for 11. Good. You’re doing very well, Tony.”

He shakes his head vehemently and signs “bad bad bad bad” on a loop. He’s bad. He made him yell, Mother hates it when he yells, she told Tony to be good—

“No, I’m telling the truth. I really appreciate you cooperating with me. You’ve been good. Now, can you tell me what brought this on?”

“Bucky,” he signs guiltily. “Made him mad.”

“What did you do to make him mad?”

“Bad—”

“No, Tony. Even if you did say something that led to his anger, that doesn’t mean you’re bad. What happened?”

“He—” Tony struggles to organize the thoughts in his brain. “I told him being with my soulmate wouldn’t fix me. He said he was still with Steve even though he wasn’t fixed. And then he got loud.”

“Why do you think it made him so emotional?”

“Because I wasn’t understanding?”

“I think it’s more that you accidentally touched on something that’s really hard for him to deal with and he took it out on you. Not because you’re bad, Tony, just because he also has problems that he’s working out.”

“Maybe.” Tony mulls over that, his breathing slowing by degrees, tears finally gone, then asks timidly, “But what if he hates me now?”

“Well, let’s go over that. What’s the worst case scenario?”

“He hates me and never talks to me again.”

“Okay. What would you do if that happened?”

“I’d be unhappy.”

“Would you be unhappy forever?”

Tony hesitates. “I don’t know. Probably not.”

“Well then, it wouldn’t really be so bad, would it? You’d still have your other friends to talk to you. But, Tony, I don’t think that worst case scenario will happen. You just need to talk things through with him. Do you need me to help you with note cards?”

“No.” 

“All right. Is there anything else you need?”

“No. Thanks.” 

“All right. Then I’ll end the call for now, but don’t hesitate to call back for anything. Don’t forget your session next Thursday.” She smiles calmly and presses the end button. 

The panic is fading away, replaced by the all-too-familiar numbness. He mentally starts taking inventory. No broken skin on his face, thank goodness. That would be hard to explain to everyone. He’ll just stay down here for a few hours and the redness on his face and in his eyes will be gone and nobody will know.

So, of course, Steve comes into the room right then. “Tony? What happened to you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bucky...
> 
> ok if you'll pardon me for a moment yes bucky has a hair trigger in this fic. he's still very much recovering, and while that does not excuse his behavior, i think it explains it to an extent. he's still fighting the winter soldier programming and he definitely has ptsd. he's trying, but he's not yet in therapy and he doesn't really have the tools to deal with things on his own at present.
> 
> to address the other elephant--realistically earlier in the chapter bucky is obviously smart enough to have figured out that tony's soulmates were him and steve. tony wasn't exactly being subtle there. but we'll pretend the thought of somebody being mean to tony kept him from being logical, because while i started writing a reveal, it just didn't fit in with the timeline or narrative i planned for this fic. yeah, yeah, i know.
> 
> (if you're curious, tony's mentioned 'at least three mental disorders' are persistent depressive disorder, adhd, and ptsd. the pervasive developmental disorder is, of course, autism. also, when tony is having an anxiety attack, his sentences aren't as complete or coherent and may even be considered childish, at least until he calms down. this is intentional.)
> 
> EDIT: I JUST REALIZED I HAVE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF THE BOTS. I AM SO SORRY. PERHAPS THEY HAVE BEEN CHARGING THIS ENTIRE...TIME..........bc u know they'd be bumping against Tony trying to comfort him something awful during an anxiety attack omg ive missed an Opportunity :'(


	14. Like Fire / Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw in this chapter for mentioned emotional and physical child abuse, passive suicidal ideation

Tony freezes. He is not equipped to deal with someone else right now, least of all Steve.

“Tony?”

“Nothing!” he signs hurriedly. “Just a little…thing. You know how it is.”

Steve frowns as he gets closer. “No, I don’t. Have you been crying?”

Tony touches his face, acts surprised. “Well look at that, I have! Allergies, they’re a killer—”

“Those are scratch marks on your face.” Steve pauses. “You usually scratch your hands during anxiety attacks. And you don’t cry.”

“I do when there are allergies,” Tony signs stubbornly.

Steve probably doesn’t even realize how devastating his puppy dog eyes are. Or, well, maybe he does and he’s just an evil mastermind. “Tony, you can talk to me.”

Tony relents. “Fine. I had an anxiety attack and it was slightly worse than normal. You happy?”

“Of course I’m not happy to see you like this, Tony. What happened?”

“Just, well, things—”

Steve looks like he’s working through something in his head. “I passed Bucky on my way down here. He looked angry. Must have just missed the attack—”

“Must have! Lucky! Anyway, I’m fine, and I’d actually really like to be alone right now—”

“Wait.” An expression of confusion dawns on Steve’s face, then horror, then anger. “Bucky?”

Tony feels anxiety rise in his chest. Steve can’t know, he’ll side with Bucky, he’ll know Tony was bad. “It’s fine! He was fine. Just a normal conversation—”

“What did he do to you?” Steve’s voice is quiet and a bit scary.

“Seriously, nothing! He just…yelled a bit. I said some things and he was unhappy. Don’t be mad at me, I didn’t mean to—”

“Mad at you? Tony, I’m not mad at you. He said…” Steve exhales, running his hand through his hair in frustration. “He said he’d be nicer to you, he said things were fine—”

“Don’t be mad at him either!” Tony signs quickly, freaking out a bit internally. Crap, now he’s a homewrecker. “I have deep-seated issues, it’s not his fault, really—Steve.” Steve is pacing around agitatedly, so he tries again, placing his hand on Steve’s face. “Steve! I’m fine.”

Steve stares at him, eyes wide, and Tony quickly removes his hand, cursing himself.

“I—I have to go. I’ll, um. I’ll talk to Bucky. This…yeah.” Steve doesn’t exactly run out, but he comes close.

Well. That went well. But at least he’s alone now.

Yeah. That’s…good. What he wanted. Definitely.

\------------------

Steve can still feel Tony’s hand on his cheek, calloused and rough and warm. It burns like fire.

It’s the first time Tony has ever touched him.

Crap. Crap! He loves Bucky! He has to stop this. But first he has to talk to Bucky about Tony. He said he would. Captain America keeps his promises. _Steve Rogers_ keeps his promises.

_Like that promise to dance with Peggy?_

Not his fault.

_Or maybe the promise to love Bucky forever and never stray?_

Steve stops in the middle of the hallway, collecting himself. He can do this. He’s fine.

Bucky, however, is not. He discovers him huddled up in a corner, shaking.

“Buck?” He knows how to recognize a bad day when he sees one. “Buck, are you with me?”

“I try so hard,” Bucky’s voice comes, muffled and hoarse. “I try so hard to be okay for you.”

“I know, Buck.” There’s not much more to say. He suddenly feels ashamed of his anger at Bucky. Steve knows that it’s hard on him, fighting the Winter Soldier and trying to fit into the altogether-too-large shoes of Bucky Barnes. “You do a good job. Best you can.”

“Not good enough.” Bucky pauses. “Did you go to see Tony?”

“Yeah. You set him off pretty bad, Bucky,” Steve says, not judging, just making a statement.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Anxiety attack. He mentioned you yelled?”

Bucky looks up, horrified. “He had an anxiety attack because of me? I—I didn’t know, I wasn’t thinking—”

“Buck, it’s fine. Or, well. It’s not, but he doesn’t blame you. An apology and everything will be good as new.”

Suddenly, Bucky slams his human hand down on the ground. Steve startles. “I am so tired of everybody here saying things are fine! Things aren’t fine! I’m not fine. Tony’s not fine. You’re not fine, Steve! You think I don’t see you waking up at night gasping and looking around to make sure I’m still here? Well, I do, because I’m always only pretending to sleep, because I haven’t slept more than three hours in months. That’s my point. We’re never going to get anywhere if we keep pretending there’s nothing wrong.”

“I didn’t realize I was making you feel like you had to pretend, Buck. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, well.” He stands, looking down at Steve inscrutably. “I’m going to go apologize to Tony.”

He leaves, but Steve stays kneeling on the floor as if in supplication. For all he’s in love with two people, for a moment he wonders if he can have either of them.

Bucky knocks on Tony’s door, and he sees Tony roll his eyes, signing angrily, “Who is it now? Seriously—”

Tony stops when he sees him, his face unreadable. 

“I wanted to apologize. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

Tony sighs. “It’s fi—”

Bucky scowls. “Don’t finish that. Look, Tony, when I was in the Winter Soldier program I wasn’t allowed to feel anything. I didn’t have any emotions, because they weren’t important. Now they’re back and I’m still learning what to do with them, so I get mad, but just because I have a reason doesn’t mean you have to act like you don’t feel anything either.”

Tony stares a little more, then hesitantly signs, “Stark men are made of iron.”

“What?”

“It’s what he used to say to me. My dad. Stark men are made of iron.” Rubbing his index and middle finger together absentmindedly, he continues detachedly, “You didn’t cry in front of him, and when he asked you how you were, you didn’t say the truth, that you were tired or hungry or sad. You said ‘fine, sir’ and you didn’t speak unless spoken to and when he started throwing things, you stayed still or he’d yell, and Mother didn’t like it when he yelled. So you stayed quiet. Even when he started hitting. You stayed quiet.”

“Tony—”

“I am fine. Because nobody is going to care if I’m not, so I am fine. Like, so what if I have an anxiety attack or I’m sad or mad or jealous or whatever else? Who cares if the spoiled rich boy has a bad day?”

“I do!” Bucky shouts, then cringes. “Sorry. Volume. As previously stated, I am your friend even if I’m a bad one. And I care. You’re an awful liar, by the way, so everybody can already tell when you’re not fine. We all want you to trust us enough to let us know, is all.”

“Okay!” Tony signs snappishly. “You want to know how I am? I’m still shaky from dealing with you yelling back there, and from dealing with Steve doing his whole quiet-angry-disappointed routine, and I miss Pepper and Rhodey but I can’t call them because they’re too busy for me, and I want to be dead but not enough to die and I’m so tired of having anxiety attacks once a week and so scared it’s never going to stop and I wish I could be with my soulmates more than anything but that scares me most of all and I am not fine at all but I think I’d be a heck of a lot more fine if people would just leave me alone while I cope by working on the prosthetic arm you still haven’t said you wanted, you ungrateful yell-y douche!” 

Bucky’s smile is a thing of beauty, all bright white teeth and warmth and understanding. “Good, Tony.”

Tony looks at Bucky, confused. Good? That was?

Bucky straightens and continues airily, “I’ll leave you alone now to work on my arm. It had better be good though.”

Tony pushes away the confusion and snorts. This he knows how to respond to. “It will be. Jerk.”

“Punk,” Bucky says fondly. There’s a flash of something odd on Bucky’s face, but it goes away quickly. “See you, Tony.”

He’s gone as quick as he came, but Tony is surprised how much better he feels for him having been here. Better than he’s felt all day.

Better than he’s felt in a while, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> going for the world record number of times characters say 'i'm fine' in a fanfic. goin for the gold
> 
> bucky needs to take his own advice tbh
> 
> btw some of u who read the comments or reread chapters may notice i changed the notes from last time from tony having bipolar disorder to him having persistent depressive disorder (aka dysthymia). i did this bc while i think bd deserves all the representation it can get, i didnt feel that i was the best person to do it in a way that was sensitive and accurate bc i do not have bd or know anyone personally who does that could advise me. i didn't want to make it seem less serious than it is by not writing the symptoms because i didn't know how. depression, however, is something i know all too well, so i changed it. sorry about the retcon!


	15. Revelations (Ci Sei Tu)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw in this chapter for severe disassociation, physical violence, mention of murder via asphyxiation and guns, self-harm (scratching), blood mention, child abuse mention, implied alcoholism

Steve is silent when Bucky comes back to their room, silent as they both change for bed, silent as they crawl in under the sheets.

Finally he says, “You know what you said earlier about pretending nothing is wrong?”

Bucky turns over to look at him. “Yeah?”

“I don’t want to do that, so I’m going to be honest and tell you that I’m not so happy about how things went earlier today.”

Bucky props his head on his elbow. “What do you mean?”

“You left, Bucky.” Steve’s mouth twists. “We were having a conversation, an important one, and you left right in the middle of it.”

Bucky frowns. “I didn’t think there was much more to say.”

Steve sits up, looking down at Bucky. “Seriously? You tell me I’ve been forcing you to repress your emotions and you think there’s nothing more to say after that? No explanations, no solutions?”

“Is there a solution?” Bucky asks acidly, also sitting up. “You’re like the captain of emotional repression. I don’t expect you to change.”

“Buck, if it’s hurting you of course I’ll try to change! I’d do anything for you.” Steve bites his lip, looks away, and mumbles, “You knew that once.”

Bucky throws his hands up in the air. “We’re not the same people we were back in the 40’s, Steve! I’ve come to terms with that. Have you? Because sometimes I think you still want me to be the Bucky Barnes from back then. I’m not him!”

Steve’s face hardens. “I don’t want you to be anybody but who you are, Buck! I love you. That hasn’t changed, and that’s my point. I want you to be happy because I love you, and I’ll change because I love you, and I’d go into the water a thousand times over to be with you because I love you. But I feel like you don’t know that anymore.”

“What are you even saying? Of course I know you love me, just like I know I love you back.”

“Then why isn’t this working?” Steve shouts, then goes white, clamping his hand to his mouth.

Bucky’s eyes are wide. “What do you mean, Steve?”

Steve lowers his hand, looking defeated. “Bucky, don’t tell me you haven’t felt it too. Something’s different this time around. Something feels wrong. Like there’s something…”

“Missing?” Bucky smiles, but it’s bitter. “Yeah. I know what you mean. I just figured it was me.”

Steve takes Bucky’s hand. “Buck, no. Not you. Never you. You’re right here.”

“Am I, Steve?” Bucky’s gaze is level. “Because as long as we’re not pretending nothing’s wrong, we also have to acknowledge that I’m not all the way here. I try, Steve, you know I try. But sometimes I’m with him.”

Steve nods slowly. “Yeah. I know. Sometimes…” He hesitates, but continues, “Sometimes I’m still in the water.”

“I know.” Bucky laughs mirthlessly. “How did we even get here, Stevie? We’re an awfully long way from fighting those kids in the alleyway.”

“Yeah, we are.” Steve lies back down, suddenly exhausted. “I don’t know what to do.”

Bucky lies down as well, snuggling up to Steve’s side. “Well, we’ve never been ones to back down from a challenge before.”

Steve chuckles. “I guess not.”

“We could go full Tony and just yell out all of our problems at once,” Bucky suggests teasingly.

“That doesn’t sound like him,” Steve says, confused.

“Oh. I guess I sort of goaded him into it. I told him not to say he was fine and he started talking about his dad—”

“He talked about Howard? That definitely doesn’t sound like him,” Steve jokes, but Bucky barely hears it, because blood is rushing through his ears and his vision is going fuzzy.

As if in a trance, he hears himself say, “Howard? Howard Stark?”

“Yeah.”

“His wife. What was her name?”

“Maria, I think. Why?”

Bucky only floats further away from himself, but he manages, “Then we’ve got another problem.”

“What?”

“I think I killed Tony’s parents.”

\------------------------

Tony is taking a rare nap—he always gets tired after anxiety attacks—when JARVIS wakes him up with an urgent, “Sir. You are needed at the safety room.”

He gets up blearily, signing, “Huh? Bruce Hulked out?”

“No. The Winter Soldier is here.”

It takes a moment to register, but when it does, he’s wide awake. “I’ll be right there.”

He joins Steve outside the clear-walled safety room, in which the Winter Soldier is sitting and looking at them with dark, glittering eyes, which narrow almost imperceptibly upon seeing Tony. His gaze is concentrated, analytical.

“What happened?”

“He remembered something from his Winter Soldier days and it sent him back, I guess.” Steve is refusing to look at Tony. It’s suspicious, but there are more important things.

“Has this ever happened before? Like, do you know how to shut it off?” 

“No. He’s never been this far gone before, not since he came back.”

“Well, what brought him back when you were on that mission?”

“His name. And something we used to say to each other.”

“Have you tried that?”

Steve scowls. “Yes. Didn’t work.”

“Okay. Just making sure we covered all our bases.” 

“Howard.”

They both turn at the voice. The Winter Soldier is still sitting, but his eyes are fixed on Tony.

“What?” Tony signs angrily. He hates it when people point out their similar physical appearance, even if the one doing it is a brainwashed super soldier.

“You should be dead.” Oh. Maybe he thinks he’s actually his dad? That’s a new one, but maybe it’ll be helpful somehow.

Steve blanches. “Don’t listen to him, Tony, he’s not all here right now—”

Tony puts up his hand to shush Steve and signs, “Well, yes.”

The Winter Soldier ignores him and continues evenly, “You should be dead because I killed you.”

Tony hears him, but the words don’t process. “You…what?”

“A mission. 1991. You had something in your trunk. You were out with your wife. I killed you and her both.” The Winter Soldier cocks his head to the side. “It is odd that you are still alive.”

He still doesn’t understand. Slowly, he turns to Steve.

He probably wouldn’t believe it if it weren’t for the terror and heartbreak on Steve’s face. “Tony, I swear we didn’t know—”

“He remembered something,” Tony signs, the movements flat and dull. “Something, you said. And you wouldn’t look at me. I thought that was strange.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you, Tony, I just thought—”

Tony pulls his fist back and slams it forward into Steve’s face. Detachedly, he notes the blood, the unnatural set of Steve’s nose. He signs, “No, Steve. You didn’t think about me at all.”

Tony had imagined before what he might do to someone who killed someone close to him, but he had never even thought that might have been what happened to his parents, and he had never imagined that instead of a blind fury he would feel nothing at all. He doesn’t even feel like he’s inhabiting his body anymore. He watches himself leave Steve behind, Steve, who is still slumped on the ground, his eyes glassy. He watches himself look at the monster who wears Bucky’s face, then he watches himself walk down to the lab. He watches himself initiate the security protocol that prevents anyone getting in. He watches himself take out the bottle of whiskey that he had sworn never to touch again, and he watches himself stare at it, then throw it at the wall. He watches as the first tear streams down his face, as he digs his nails into the tracks the tears leave, as he does it again. He watches as he screams.

When he comes back to himself, his face is red and puffy and his throat feels raw. The materials he’s been using to make a prototype of Bucky’s arm are scattered all over the lab, and the wire frame has been bent and torn into jagged pieces.

But his own arms are worse. Steve and Bucky’s words have been scratched raw, and blood is sluggishly oozing from the angry abrasions. It hurts, but nowhere near the way he hurts knowing that Steve cared more about protecting Bucky from him than he did about telling Tony that Bucky—no, the Winter Soldier—had killed his parents.

His parents. 

He pulls up a picture of them on his screen and just looks at it for a while. He wonders how it must have happened—take out the car, then when it’s crashed, make sure they’re gone. Make it hurt. Crush their windpipes, shoot their head. Howard, his father, who had never gotten to see all he ended up doing, never had the opportunity to be proud of Tony. His mom, his dear mamma, the one who kissed away his nightmares, sang _al di la del bene piu prezioso, ci sei tu, al di la del sogno piu ambizioso, ci sei tu, al di la delle cose piu belle, al di la delle stelle ci sei tu_. The one who wiped his tears after Howard hit him, the one who whispered to him that this would all be but a moment and he was strong, so strong, her sweet _bambino._ Sure, as he aged she grew more distant, cold sometimes as her jewels, but sometimes he’d pretend to sleep while she hummed at his bedside, _ci sei tu, al di la, ci sei tu per me_. All of that, gone. Not due to Howard’s incompetence, but because Howard was smart and HYDRA wanted something he had.

He looks at the picture, and he gently signs, _where you walk flowers bloom, when you smile all the gloom turns to sunshine,_ and he remembers his mother’s soft voice.

“Tony,” she says, then again, “Tony.”

Then again, louder, more panicked. “Tony!"

He finally turns. It’s not his mother’s voice at all. It’s Pepper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the italicized lyrics are from Al Di La by Emilio Pericoli. 
> 
> this was a pretty heavy chapter but it had to be done before they could get together. tony just can't catch a break huh
> 
> if you're wondering why he reacts by leaving instead of by trying to kill bucky--well, partially because he's a bit different in this story, partially because he hasn't created BARF yet so it's not as fresh in his mind, partially because he knows he can't break through the safety room (he did create it, after all), and in large part bc i just didn't know how i could write that and come back from it in a reasonable amount of time lol,, so
> 
> EDIT: so the person who i usually bother to look over my chapters for characterization and narrative consistency isn't into marvel so while i've been doing it on my own up till now i'd really love to have someone to throw ideas around with! you'd have to be okay with spoilers of course lol;; anyway if any of you are interested either message me on tumblr or comment here and we can maybe work something out. thank you!


	16. Recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw blood mention

“Tony, what happened to you?!”

He just shakes his head, too tired to respond. 

“Your face—Tony, your _arms_. Where’s the disinfectant spray?”

“Miss Potts, if you don’t mind my interruption, I believe Sir is currently non-communicative, so you can direct all questions to me and I will answer to the best of my ability. The spray is in the bottom right drawer, along with the gauze. The medical tape is at the other end of the room with the smoothie ingredients,” JARVIS offers.

“Thanks, JARVIS,” Pepper says distractedly, looking back at Tony before getting the requested supplies. She piles them on Tony’s desk, then begins the process of cleaning him up. He doesn’t protest, even when her fingers brush against his bare skin. He just stares at a point on the wall, the one where he threw the bottle of liquor. 

She murmurs quietly as she works—nothing of import, really, just “Sorry, this might sting a bit,” or “Tony, what did you do to yourself,” but he finds it comforting. 

When his biceps are wrapped, blood spotting through the gauze, and his face has been wiped with a cold cloth, she sits back. “Tony—I mean, JARVIS, what happened?”

“Sergeant Barnes reverted to his Winter Soldier programming and revealed the details of one of his missions.” JARVIS pauses, then says delicately, “It was a mission carried out on December 16, 1991.”

“But that’s—” Her eyes widen. “Oh, no.”

“Quite. He learned at the same time that while Steve had the opportunity to tell him when he first came to deal with the situation, he did not. Sir then punched Steve and retreated to his lab, activated his lockdown protocol, and…well. You can see the evidence of the rest. But the protocol’s programming does not prevent me from calling a support person and he was clearly having a dissociative episode, so I alerted you.”

“Oh, Tony,” she whispers softly. “I’m so sorry.”

He’s able to muster up a shoulder raise in a semblance of a shrug.

“No, you don’t have to do that. This is important. What can I do for you? Do you want me to kick them out?”

He shakes his head minutely.

“Do you want me to just plain kick them?”

He gives a small smile at that, and the half shrug again. 

“I’ll put that down as a maybe,” Pepper says, eyes twinkling. “My heels are at your disposal. But really, how about I revoke their lab access for now? I can also reroute your communal kitchen deliveries to your kitchen. You won’t have to see them until you’re ready. I’ll make sure of that. Speaking of, JARVIS, can you activate Protocol Ex?”

“Certainly, Miss Potts. I’ll see to it the other requests are processed as well.”

“Thank you.” She looks around the room, eyes falling on the ruins of the prosthetic arm, then asks, “Do you want me to tell the Board the prosthetics division is temporarily on hold?”

Tony nods.

“All right. I’ll hold them off. We haven’t made any announcements, anyway. I have a few other projects for you if you need something to keep busy.”

He nods again, then signs, “Thank you.”

“It’s my job, Mr. Stark.” She’s obviously going for levity, but she must notice his face fall, because she hurriedly adds, “And my pleasure, Tony. You’re my best friend. Don’t ever doubt that, and don’t ever hesitate to ask when you need help.”

He just raises an eyebrow at that, and she rolls her eyes. “Yes, I know you will anyway.” She stops talking for a moment. “By the way, do you mind if I tell Natasha? She can help too.”

Tony purses his lips, but acquiesces. “Fine.”

“Thank you. Now I’m going to make kettle corn and we’re going to watch some Good Eats until we both fall asleep. Sound good?”

He smiles for real this time. “Perfect.”

“Good. And Tony? I love you.” She doesn’t wait for him to respond—she never does, because she knows open expressions of affection make him uncomfortable.

But, as always, he waits until her back is turned until he signs back a small, “I love you too.”

\------------------

The morning after The Incident, JARVIS reports that the Winter Soldier fell asleep and woke up as Bucky. Tony approves the request to let him out of the safety room. He also asks Natasha to round up all of his weapons and lock them away. Just in case.

The afternoon after The Incident, Rhodey calls, full of righteous anger, and offers to beat up Bucky and Steve as War Machine. He is very pleased to hear that Tony punched Steve, but thinks Bucky deserves a punch as well. He then talks about the new recruits he’s training and their utter ineptitude, and about the new coffee machine on the base and how awful it is, and about this guy he met who had the worst pickup lines ever. He does not talk about Howard or Maria, and Tony is grateful. If anyone understands it’s Rhodey. He was there for Tony when it happened, making sure Tony ate and left his room and stayed distracted and stayed alive, and he’s there for Tony now. Rhodey signs off with an admonition to call, hesitates, then says seriously, “They don’t get to hurt you anymore, Tony. Not on my watch.” Tony smiles at the sentiment, but wonders privately if his soulmates will ever do anything but.

One day after The Incident, Steve tries to take the elevator down to his lab. He proceeds to try every day after that for two weeks. Tony knows this because JARVIS sends him the log every day. He has an anxiety attack the first time. The second time, he calls his therapist. The third time he feels nauseous, but nothing else. The fourth time he rolls his eyes and deletes the log.

Four days after The Incident, Tony emerges from his lab to the communal floor after JARVIS has assured him multiple times it is super-soldier free. Tony is thankful once more he created Protocol Ex, a program based entirely around avoidance. Avoidance is something he is good at. He gets coffee and some of Bruce’s leftover curry, which Clint informs him Bruce cooked for him last night. He had been wondering where that plate in his lab came from. Clint also gleefully reports on the state of Steve’s nose. It was broken and turned lovely colors. Tony appreciates the report. Natasha reports on the state of Bucky and Steve’s underwear drawer, which was mysteriously filled with itching powder a few days ago. Tony appreciates this report even more.

A week after The Incident, Bucky’s attempted visits are added to the daily log. Tony knows it is not really his fault. He still doesn’t allow him in.

He works. He eats. He sleeps. He talks to his therapist, to Pepper and Rhodey. The scratches on his arms scab over, then heal. He does his best to do the same.

Two weeks and two days after The Incident, he lets Steve and Bucky back in the lab.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pepper likes cooking shows and tony likes science so they compromise by watching old episodes of good eats. natasha sometimes wonders whether she should be jealous of alton brown
> 
> next chapter...we'll be backtracking again, to see steve and bucky's side of the story


	17. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw blood mention, severe self-loathing

Steve just sits there on the ground, nose bleeding. Probably broken. Probably well-deserved. For a moment, he wishes he didn’t have advanced healing so that he could keep the pain for as long as Tony probably wished he would have it.

The Winter Soldier watches Steve with a kind of detached interest, then observes, “You care about him.”

His head whips up to look at him so fast that he gets a bit dizzy. “What?”

“That man. I’m guessing he’s not Howard Stark. A relative perhaps? You care about him.”

“He’s my friend.”

“Is he?” The Winter Soldier’s head is tilted, then a small, disconcerting smile appears on his face. “You’re in love with him.” 

Steve’s heart stops. He knows, he’ll hate him, he—Steve shakes his head, trying to calm himself down. This isn’t Bucky. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Of course.” His tone is dismissive, like he’s talking to a child. “Well. No matter. I imagine I’m in here because you want something from me. What would that be?”

“I just want Bucky back,” Steve says, mostly talking to himself, and partly lying—he wants far more than just Bucky. The Winter Soldier responds anyway.

“Who the hell is Bucky?”

Steve’s stomach drops at the question. This again? Does he have to do it all over? Is this going to be the rest of Bucky’s life, forgetting everything and slowly coming back to himself only to repeat the whole process—

His depressing thoughts are interrupted by a laugh. It’s eerily similar to Bucky’s in tone and richness, but it’s much more cold. “Just kidding. I’m aware of Bucky.”

Steve’s eyebrows furrow. “What? You know who he is?”

“Well, yes. He’s in here with me.” The Winter Soldier shrugs, a delicate thing. “I imagine it’s much the same as it is for him with me, though this awareness is…recent.”

Steve takes that to mean that Bucky wasn’t there when the Soldier was active before, which he supposes makes sense in a twisted way. “Well, can you bring him back?”

“Why?” His head is tilted to the side again. “Is there a reason he is more worthy of life than me?”

Steve doesn’t really know how to respond to that question. How do you tell someone that they don’t deserve to live because someone else needs another part of you more? How does he explain what Bucky means to him, how having him makes him believe he can keep going? 

Finally, he just says in a small voice, “I love him.”

The Winter Soldier looks him over, considering. “Interesting. You know, Bucky works awfully hard to keep me at bay for your sake. I’ve often wondered what kind of love makes someone hate themselves to make someone happy.”

“But…you’re not him,” Steve says desperately. “He doesn’t hate himself, he hates you.”

“Perhaps. But I am part of him, and he is part of me. I do not experience love, but I know he loves all of you. You should carefully think over why you do not do the same.”

Steve opens his mouth, then closes it. He doesn’t have a defense. 

“So, not-Howard,” The Winter Soldier continues conversationally, like he didn’t just break apart Steve’s entire world. “I noticed black on both of his arms, just below his shirt sleeves. Have you managed to fall in love with someone who is soulmated to two people already?”

Steve scowls at the change in topic. “Not that it’s your business, but he’s not with either of them. He’s met them, but he thinks they don’t want him. All I know is that he didn’t want to bother the first one because they were dealing with a personal loss, and that he hadn’t met the second one until sometime after Bucky started living here.”

The Winter Soldier pauses thoughtfully. “This first one, when you talked about him, was this before Bucky returned?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Just curious. Also purely out of curiosity, why was not-Howard signing?”

“His name is Tony, and he can’t talk. He’s nonverbal.”

The Winter Soldier starts to grin. “Oh. Oh, that’s precious.”

“What?” Steve demands, getting to his feet and pacing to the walls of the room. “It’s not funny when someone can’t talk, he’s actually—”

“Not that,” the Soldier waves off, still grinning. “It is your life that is amusing.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Steve grumbles, turning away. “I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”

“That is fine.” The Soldier settles back into his chair, managing to make the action look elegant, still looking directly at Steve with an assessing, catlike gaze. 

Steve presses his lips into a tight line and stares back, and he stares until the Soldier smirks and closes his eyes. “Goodnight, Steve.”

The Winter Soldier may be able to sleep, but Steve can’t. He just stares, and he thinks about the dead expression on Tony’s face, the tendril of hurt in his eyes, and he stares until Bucky wakes up asking what happened.

He knows Tony is awake too, because it takes both his and Steve’s access codes to open the safety room back up. Bucky is released and excuses himself, almost running to the gym, unable to look Steve in the eye. Steve doesn’t think he could look himself in the eye either.

He goes down to the communal floor, more out of habit than desire, and starts making himself some oatmeal. Clint and Natasha are both there. Clint takes one look at his nose and starts howling with laughter. It’s an ugly mesh of yellow, purple, and green, and it’s probably still at a weird angle because he never bothered to set it. It’ll heal up right no matter what he does, so. Natasha is less jovial, glaring at him over her yogurt. Tony probably told Pepper, and Pepper probably told Natasha. He reminds himself that this is no more than what he deserves.

He probably shouldn’t be surprised that his access to Tony’s floors has been revoked, but he feels a flash of despair anyway. It definitely does surprise him, however, when the elevator next to the one he was trying to use dings and opens to reveal Pepper.

Her eyes immediately narrow, and she hisses, “ _You_ ,” striding over to him and poking him aggressively in the chest.

What he deserves. He closes his eyes and whispers, “Miss Potts, I swear—”

“No. You don’t get to talk. You listen. Tony doesn’t ask for much from his friends, even when he should. But he does ask for honesty about the important things, and this is a very. Important. Thing. What, were you scared he’d attack Bucky? Scared he couldn’t take it?”

“I just…wanted him to be happy—”

“Happiness born out of ignorance is not happiness! He deserved to know, and he deserved to have someone other than his parents’ killer—his _friend_ , Steve—tell him. He deserved that. And you deserve this.” She slaps him.

He raises his hand to his cheek, the same cheek Tony touched, and says, “You’re right.” He almost wishes he could cry over this, but he just feels numb. 

She glares at him a while longer, then says, “Stay away from him. You and Bucky. You don’t get to see him until he wants to see you, you understand?”

“But—” He doesn’t even know why he protests. But I want to apologize? But I want him to forgive me? But I want to stop feeling like this? 

“Stay away from him,” she repeats, voice dangerous. Then she turns on her heel and walks away.

He gets a call the next day from Lieutenant Colonel Rhodes. His expression is indiscernible at first. “Captain Rogers. When I first met Tony, he was 15. He was smart, but he was a kid, and I’m pretty sure I was the first real friend he had. It took a lot for him to trust me, but by the first kidnapping, I had already sworn to protect him with my life. And then, four years later, his parents died, and I had to protect him from himself, because nothing’s ever messed him up quite like that did. He blamed Howard for his mom. Said he was probably drinking again even though he promised he’d gone straight. All the things that Howard did to him, and this was the only thing that ever stuck.”

Steve nods, and he again wishes he could cry.

“You didn’t know any of that, I’m sure. But that doesn’t change the fact that you should have told him as soon as you found out. He had a right to know the truth. You took that right away from him.” Rhodes hesitates. “I wanted to believe the best of you, Captain. I wanted to believe that I could trust you with him.”

The next sentence is the final blow. “I don’t. Goodbye, Captain Rogers. Please stop trying to go down to the lab.”

Steve lies down in his bed despite the early hour after that, pressing his hand to his eyes. Bucky’s side is cold. He is too. He’s cold, and then he’s in the water, and not for the first time he thinks miserably that he probably should have stayed there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> steve is unhappy right now
> 
> bucky is also unhappy, but we won't find out how much...until next chapter ;)
> 
> the winter soldier is a snot but he sort of has a point. also he's a lot sharper than steve and bucky both, probably because he's removed from the situation


	18. Broken

When Bucky wakes up, he immediately knows something is wrong. It’s partially because he’s locked up in Bruce’s safety room, sure, but he also feels like he’s waking up from a long sleep in a way he hasn’t since Steve called his name in DC.

Speaking of Steve, Steve is staring at him with hard eyes and a broken nose, and that’s his last clue. He must have lost the fight against the Winter Soldier. Shame engulfs him. He looks away from Steve and asks, “What happened?” 

“Do you remember anything?”

“Not really.”

Steve looks relieved for some reason, then starts explaining. “Last night, you remembered that y—the Winter Soldier killed Tony’s parents.”

Bucky reels back in shock, and memories start trickling in. Howard and Maria, Tony looking at him with dull eyes, Steve—Steve?

Steve is still talking, his voice emotionless and clinical—“I decided not to tell him, but the Winter Soldier did, so he punched me in the face—” and Bucky feels a flash of irritation amid the numbness, because for all they had been talking about not hiding from their problems, Steve had not only done that but had pushed it onto Tony. Oh well. He had never really expected Steve to change. 

Except for he had, hadn’t he? Because the last memory he has is of Steve basically admitting to loving Tony (“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he had said, but Bucky has known Steve long enough to know that his eye twitches slightly when he’s lying), and the old Steve would never have loved someone other than Bucky.

So when the doors are opened, he bolts down to the gym, and he doesn’t look at Steve. Steve, who said he loved him, but who loves Tony. Steve, who looked relieved when he said he couldn’t remember anything. Steve, who gets angry when he talks about Tony’s soulmates, and looks at Tony like he hung the sun, and crap, Bucky’s been so oblivious. He supposes it’s not something he’d have even thought to look for.

But it also makes sense, in a strange kind of way, he thinks detachedly as he beats up a training dummy. Steve had thought he was gone, and Steve was here with Tony for at least a year before Bucky came back. He was here for six months before he knew Bucky was even alive. And Tony is bright and vivacious and smart and wounded, and Bucky is surprised at how fond he is of Tony even knowing that he’s taken his soulmate away.

Or, well. Not exactly. Even if he didn’t know when Steve was lying, Tony is utterly incapable of it altogether. He’d know if they were doing something. Tony would never say anything anyway, too convinced of his worthlessness, and really, Tony probably doesn’t know. If Bucky is oblivious, Tony is ten times more so.

And the other thing is, Steve hadn’t been lying when he said he loved Bucky. Maybe he meant like a friend, or…maybe Steve just loves both of them. Bucky knows it’s possible; after all, people in three-way bonds work it out just fine. Like Tony’s, and isn’t that just the kicker, because Steve just had to fall in love with someone already destined to be with two other people.

Something nags at the back of his mind, and he can almost hear the Winter Soldier chuckle. He pushes the thought away blindly, distracting himself by idly wondering what Tony’s soulmates’ words are. Must be from the voice program, because he highly doubts sign shows up. Probably something snappy and smart like the man himself. Like “Either I’m having a visual hallucination or I should run away screaming now”—what? Bucky shakes his head. That’s…that’s Tony’s first words to him, not—okay, the news must have messed him up more than he thought. Tony isn’t his soulmate. 

Anyway, the point is he sort of gets why Steve fell for the guy. Why have a partially brainwashed wreck of a man when you can have—well, Tony is a wreck too, but he’s not brainwashed at least, that’s a plus. If he’s being honest with himself, he could see himself doing the same in the same situation. He thinks back to the time he called Tony ‘punk’, the banter so familiar, so comfortable that he slipped and called Tony the nickname he usually reserves for Steve. Yeah. He understands.

He understands, but that doesn’t make him any less sad. He and Steve had the perfect relationship. They had to hide most of the time, sure, but in front of people who knew and understood, they were the perfect couple—the kind of sweet that made people shake their head in public and envy them in private. Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, America’s sweethearts.

But things change. Bucky changed. Steve has changed, as much as Bucky pretends he can’t. And maybe that was always more for him than it was for Steve. Because if Steve was the same, the same unflappable, immoveable rock, then maybe even if Bucky was broken, things could be okay.

But they are both broken, and things aren’t okay.

\----------------

When he goes back up to his room to change out of his sweaty clothes, his weapons are gone. All of them. He supposes he can’t blame them for feeling unsafe—he doesn’t feel safe from himself, either—but he can’t help but miss the comfort of having a knife or six at hand.

He finds an additional surprise when he opens up his and Steve’s shared underwear drawer, puts on his boxers, and feels a prickling, well…everywhere. Natasha, because it must have been Natasha, had been very thorough. He storms downstairs, and Natasha just smiles calmly and says she didn’t know which ones were Steve’s, sorry.

(Steve’s are on the left, with his name sewn into the label. It’s an obvious lie. He allows it, but obviously he still runs a load of laundry immediately.)

A week after the whole thing, Bucky finally decides he’s ready to go downstairs and talk to Tony about what happened. But when he tries, the elevator button flashes red and refuses to move. He pauses. He guesses he’s not shocked that Tony doesn’t want to see him, the man who wears the face of his parents’ killer, but he’s not happy, either. Tony’s not going to solve anything by avoiding him—or Steve, who he understands has been blocked all along and has been well reprimanded for it by both Pepper and Rhodes. Steve keeps trying, though, doggedly keeping at it day after day, rejection after rejection, so Bucky decides he might as well do the same. At different times, though. He hasn’t really seen Steve much since it happened.

He can tell Steve is hurt by it, by their empty bed. He just doesn’t know how to face him knowing that Steve is in love with someone else. But more importantly, and the real reason he’s been sleeping on a cot in the gym, is that he is terrified knowing that he could fall asleep one day and wake up the Winter Soldier, knowing that he could lose control. He can’t do that to Steve. So, even though he also knows he’s being incredibly hypocritical telling Tony to face his problems when he can’t even do the same, he sleeps in the gym next to a tranquilizer that he nicked from Natasha (sorry, Natasha, I didn’t know which one was yours!), and he stays away from Steve, and he thinks privately that maybe this is all for the best. Because maybe it doesn’t mean he gets to be happy, but at least Steve can be when he realizes that he doesn’t want Bucky anymore. And he’s not fine, but he hasn’t been fine for a while. He manages.

Then, two weeks and two days after the Winter Soldier showed up, Tony lets him and Steve back into his lab.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter, we finally have the talk you've all been waiting for lol
> 
> btw sorry for not getting a chapter up yesterday! we moved into our new house so i was unpacking all day and running errands the rest of the time and then i fell right asleep =v=;; so


	19. Worthy

Steve doesn’t really know why he keeps trying. Tony’s obviously done with him, probably rightly so. But something keeps him going back, pressing the button—

The elevator moves.

The doors slide open on the floor to Tony’s lab.

Barely daring to hope, he whispers, “JARVIS, is this a mistake?”

“No, Captain. Sir has returned your access.” He’s sure he isn’t mistaking the slight hint of disapproval in JARVIS’ voice, but he’s not going to turn back now. 

He walks down the hallway full of trepidation, and for a moment when he reaches the door, he just stands there looking at Tony’s silhouette. He’s not working for once, and he looks very small. 

But then he turns around with an inscrutable expression, and even though Steve can see the dark circles under his eyes, he’s still beautiful—and suddenly Steve doesn’t know how he managed two weeks without him, much less his entire life. If Steve hadn’t known he was in love with Tony before, he does now, and it’s worse than he thought.

A thought resolves in his mind. He’s going to have to tell Bucky. It’s not fair to either of them right now, what he’s doing. But. First, Tony. He opens the door and takes a deep breath.

“Um—hey, Tony—”

Tony interrupts him, but it’s not the sign language he’s used to. He’s gone back to his voice program, and it finally hits Steve how deeply he must have hurt Tony. He knows Tony hates the voice program. Steve’s face falls.

“You know, they all told me to wait.”

“What?”

“My therapist, Rhodey, Pepper—especially Pepper. Even JARVIS.” Tony shakes his head, looking off somewhere to the side. “I guess I’ve never been very good at following advice. But mostly, before all this happened, Bucky told me I should face my problems.”

Steve is tempted to ask if that’s all he is now—just a problem—but he doesn’t know if he wants to hear the answer. He stays silent.

“What you did wasn’t okay. I’m sure you’ve heard that, because there’s no way Pep and Rhodey didn’t say anything to you. I’m sure you know why, even. So I don’t want to hear why you’re sorry. I know why you’re sorry. I want to hear why I should bother trusting you again.”

“I…” He sighs, then looks down at his feet. “You know, I can’t think of a single reason.”

Tony squints suspiciously, but lets him continue.

“I talk a big game about morals and strength and the American way, but sometimes I think it’s more for me than anybody else, because I’m not the person people think I am. I’m not…good. I’m not honest, or strong, and I’m sure not perfect. Bucky doesn’t trust me, and I don’t blame him. I don’t trust me. If you don’t, I can’t stop you, and I wouldn’t either. At this point I’m not sure I’m worthy of anybody’s trust.”

Tony scowls and points at him accusingly. “Yeah, that’s a totally crap answer.”

“Huh?” Steve is genuinely confused. He just bared one of his deepest fears, and—

“You’re not taking responsibility; you’re just deflecting it by saying you’re a bad person. It’s not an admission of guilt, it’s a guilt trip. It puts me in a position where I’m supposed to comfort you even though I’m the one who was hurt. It’s completely manipulative and, I reiterate, it’s a crap answer.”

Steve gapes. “I didn’t mean—”

Tony rolls his eyes and sits back. “Probably not consciously, sure. But I used to do that all the time, which is why I know what it looks like. People eventually called me out on my crap and I learned to stop doing it and you need to do the same. Look. Your opinion of yourself is not my problem, it’s yours. If you don’t think you’re worthy of trust right now, then make yourself someone who is.” Tony sighs aggrievedly. “Seriously, what am I, your therapist?”

Steve thinks about that. Finally, he says, “You’re probably right.”

“Probably?” Tony types dryly. “Thanks.” 

Steve ignores him and continues, “So I guess all I can do right now is say that your friendship is really important to me, and that you should make whatever choice is best for you but that I can promise that I won’t lie to you again.”

Tony taps his chin thoughtfully. “Okay. Better answer.”

“Really?” Steve can’t help the hopeful grin that spreads across his face.

“Sure. But you’re not off the hook yet.” Tony stares at him seriously—well, his forehead—and types, “This is something we’re going to have to work on. It’s not just going to fix itself.”

“Yeah. I know,” Steve says, smile fading. “I’ll do my best.”

“Okay.” Tony nods slowly, then types, “You can leave now.”

“Wait, wh—”

“If we’re going to do this you need to respect my boundaries, like when I tell you that I know I need to calm down right now and you’re not going to help me do that. Leave.” Tony pauses, then reluctantly adds, “Please.”

“All right.” He doesn’t want to blow this chance, so he heads out the door, but before he leaves he stops and says, “Tony? Thank you. And I really am sorry.”

Tony waves him out impatiently, but Steve thinks his face is lighter somehow.

After Steve exits, Tony grips onto his chair and breathes out shakily. 

“Sir, your heart rate—”

“I know, J.” 

“Would you like me to call someone?” JARVIS’ tone is clearly worried, but Tony just takes another shaky breath.

“No, thanks, JARVIS. I can do this. Only two more to go.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to space this out, sir?”

“Nah,” Tony signs, attempting nonchalance and likely failing. “Like a band-aid, right?”

“If you’ll pardon me, sir, ripping off a band-aid doesn’t usually cause lasting mental trauma.”

“J.” Tony’s signs are soft, hesitant. “I need to be able to do this.”

“…All right.” JARVIS still sounds doubtful, but Tony knows he understands. And he probably has everyone on call anyway.

Tony grips harder and breathes in. About fifty minutes until his next visitors arrive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think steve, at least here, places a lot of pressure on himself to be perfect and when he's confronted with his being very much...not, he doesn't deal with it well
> 
> tony on the other hand is trying to deal with things but he's probably loading a bit much on himself
> 
> next chapter, bucky arrives, along with another visitor


	20. A Perfect Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw murder mention

At 10:03 or so, because Bucky isn’t really as concerned with timeliness as Steve, Bucky shows up. He doesn’t speak first, just stares with a thoughtful look like he’s trying to figure something out.

Tony takes a deep breath and types, “I know it wasn’t your fault, but I’m mad anyway.”

Bucky nods, still with that contemplative expression. “Okay.”

“But I’m trying not to be. Mad, I mean. So…I guess that’s why I let you down here. To try.”

“I can understand that.” Bucky pauses, looks at Tony more carefully. “You’re pretty pale. Do you need me to leave?”

“No. I have something I need to do, and I need your help to do it.”

Bucky looks away. “I’ll do my best, but you have to answer a question first.”

Tony purses his lips, then types, “Maybe.”

“Fair enough. Okay. Be honest with me. Are you in love with Steve?”

Tony’s eyes widen. “What?”

“Do you have feelings for Steve,” Bucky says, frustrated. “Of the romantic nature. Like, if he were to tell you he wanted to be with you, would you say yes?”

“I…hm. Okay. Honestly?”

Bucky growls. “Yes, honestly!”

“Fine. I’m pan, but I’m also demiromantic. It takes me a while to fall in love with anyone.” Tony scratches his chin absentmindedly. “It’s hard for me to tell, but I’d say I’m probably not in love with Steve. But.” He holds up a finger on the hand that’s not typing and continues, “I also probably could be if I let myself.”

Bucky considers that and nods once more, his face shadowed.

“But I would never let myself, either,” Tony adds. “So the answer to your second question is no. If he said he wanted to be with me, and he never would, I would say no. Because he’s with you, and you guys are perfect together, and you don’t need me messing it up.”

Something nags at the back of Bucky’s mind again, but he ignores it like he always does. “All right.”

“What brought that on anyway?” Tony asks, confused.

“Just curious.”

Tony narrows his eyes. “Sure. Whatever.” He’s obviously suspicious, but he’s not asking any more questions either, so Bucky lets it go.

“So what was it you wanted me to do for you?”

“Huh? Oh. Yeah.” Bucky glances down at Tony’s hands. He’s digging his nails in. Bad habit. “I want to talk to the Winter Soldier.”

Bucky immediately staggers back, shaking his head vehemently. “No.”

“Bucky.” Tony’s still pale, but he presses on. “I need…I don’t know. Closure, maybe? And you can’t give that to me, because you’re not him, but he, well. Is. Obviously.”

“Whatever you’re looking for from him, he can’t give it to you.” Bucky’s voice is sharp, clipped. “And I can’t give you what you’re looking for either. Sorry.”

“Please.”

It’s just one word, but it’s Tony’s pleading expression that does it. He looks like a kid who’s absolutely miserable but trying to stay strong. He wonders if that’s how Tony looked at his parents, at Howard, when they hurt him.

He wonders how much more he can take hurting Tony.

“I…” Bucky’s face shuts down. “Safety room. Let me change first. And it will never happen again.”

“Thank you.” It’s signed, not the cocky voice of the program, but the vulnerable hands of Tony. For such weak hands, they hold far more power over him than he would like. 

Bucky presses his lips together. Shaking his head again, he leaves the lab.

When he’s changed into a soft cotton tshirt and shorts without a drawstring—can’t give him any tools, can’t give him anything to work with—he heads to the safety room, cursing quietly all the while. He’s not sure what it is exactly that he’s cursing. Is it himself? HYDRA? Tony?

No. Not Tony. Never Tony. He stops in his tracks, because it finally occurs to him that this isn’t probably how most people feel about the people with whom their soulmates are in love with—this need to protect, and comfort, this need to see a smile on their face and to hear their laughter and to keep them happy at your own expense—

Well, crap.

He doesn’t even notice when he runs into Steve, Steve startling then saying, “Bucky, I’ve been looking for you. We need to talk, I need to tell you something—”

“I’m busy.”

“No—Bucky. It’s important, we need—”

“Steve.” He keeps walking, but Steve runs in front and stops him.

“Bucky! I need to tell you that I’m in love with Tony!”

Bucky halts at that, because isn’t that just the thing? “Yeah, I know,” he says dazedly. “I think I am too.”

He leaves, and Steve doesn’t stop him, too busy standing still with his jaw dropped open. 

\----------------

In his dreamlike state, it’s really not too hard to give up control to the Winter Soldier once he’s encapsulated in the safety room. He just pulls at that thread and lets go, and then his head is dropping and the Winter Soldier’s eyes are opening.

Tony doesn’t really have any idea what to expect from this guy. They didn’t really talk much last time, understandably. He’s certainly not expecting an amused grin and a, “Well, if it isn’t not-Howard! Have I mentioned I love what you’ve done with this lovely bulletproof enclosure? Very chic.”

Tony’s face darkens and he types, “Stop with the chitchat. I’m sure you know why you’re here.”

“You’re no fun at all,” the Winter Soldier says with a pout. “Let’s get to know each other, shoot the breeze!”

Tony’s face transforms, engulfed with rage, and he turns up his program to max volume as he forcefully types with shaking hands, “STOP! YOU KILLED MY MOM!”

The Winter Soldier just looks bored. “Yes. How astute. I killed your father, too, in case you didn’t get the memo.”

“You bastard.” Tony has never regretted his rather jovial-sounding voice program more than right now, nor his inability to punch someone. “You don’t even care.”

“No, I really don’t.” He yawns obnoxiously. “I’ve killed a lot of people. They gave me my mission directives and I executed them and I never once cared. Does that anger you?”

“Of course it does, you dick!” Tony is horrified to feel a tear run down his cheek, then another. “You were supposed to—to—”

“To what, Tony?” The Winter Soldier’s voice is surprisingly soft now. “To apologize? To feel guilty? Where would that get me?”

Tony slams his hand on the glass and furiously types, “Somewhere other then Hell, maybe!”

He snorts, but it sounds less amused and more bitter. “I’m under no illusions about where I’m going. I didn’t have a choice, but that doesn’t matter. I still did it. So you’re right to be mad. It won’t change anything, but you’re right to be mad at me.”

At that, all the energy leaves Tony’s body, and he slumps over on the floor, frame wracked with sobs. The Winter Soldier just watches.

When he straightens, still on the floor but back up against the wall, Tony listlessly signs, “Why?”

The Winter Soldier tilts his head curiously. “Do you actually want an an answer to that?”

“Sure, whatever.”

“Because bad people exist, and bad things happen, and all we can do is deal with it. Maybe you deal by fighting it. Maybe you deal by ignoring it. But no amount of dealing fixes the bad, or changes the past, so you move forward and hope it doesn’t follow you. And when it does you do it all over again. That’s just how it is.”

Tony chuckles, high and almost hysterical. “Never give motivational speeches.”

“Why, because it’s depressing to hear that the world isn’t all rainbows? I think it’s more depressing to go about life thinking you’re being robbed of a perfect life that doesn’t exist. You can’t do anything constructive until you face the truth.”

Tony closes his eyes. “I guess.”

“You also,” the Winter Soldier adds pointedly, “can’t do anything convinced that life has only bad in store for you. Like, say, that if the universe gives you two soulmates they will both inevitably hate you.”

“You don’t know anything about my soulmates,” Tony signs exhaustedly.

The Winter Soldier raises an eyebrow. “I know who they are.”

Tony’s eyes fly open, panicked. “What? You—do they know? Did you tell them? Bucky and Steve can’t know, swear—”

The Winter Soldier snorts again, but this time it is amused. “I can’t believe they haven’t found out yet. You’re so incredibly transparent. You do realize if I hadn’t already known you would have told me just now?”

“I—” Tony’s hands still. “Okay. You got me.”

“No, they don’t know, because they’re both just as oblivious as you are.”

“How am I oblivious, Winter Jerk?”

“Aw, giving each other petnames already? I think I’ll call you darling. It’s only fitting for someone so adorable. And oblivious.”

Tony scowls.

“You’re oblivious because you haven’t realized that they wouldn’t reject you if you told them. Far from it.”

“How do you know that?” Tony asks, a small part of him lifting in hope despite himself.

“I’m not going to say. There are some things that you need to find out yourself.” He lifts a shoulder in a half shrug, then says, smirking, “Also this way is so much more fun, don’t you think?”

Tony’s mouth twists angrily, his hope gone and his eyes screwing shut again. “Okay, Winter. Keep your secrets. It’s not like I’d trust anything you said anyway.”

“Rude.” The Winter Soldier sighs. “But I don’t blame you, I suppose. I haven’t done much to earn your trust.”

“Nor will you ever.”

“Perhaps. But I think my words will soon prove themselves.”

“Maybe,” Tony mumbles, his eyes getting heavier and heavier as his exhaustion pulls him into sleep. 

“Definitely,” the Winter Soldier says with a wry smile. “I can’t imagine they’ll be able to keep themselves from you much longer.”

Tony looks lovely in sleep, the Winter Soldier thinks, watching his chest rise and fall, his eyelashes dark against his flushed cheeks.

“I can understand why,” he whispers, barely audible.

“You’re so full of crap,” Tony signs tiredly without opening his eyes. 

The Winter Soldier grins again, silently impressed that Tony was able to fool him into thinking he was asleep. “True,” he murmurs. “Very true.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it would be more accurate to say that bucky realized he cared deeply for tony, it's probably not quite love yet, but i wanted to get that line in so. lol
> 
> also tws was the visitor surprise!
> 
> i don't know how i feel about this chapter but. shrugs it is what it is


	21. Talking It Out

When Bucky comes to, he sees Tony on the floor. For a moment he assumes the worst, but Tony’s chest is rising and falling with the easiness of sleep. He looks peaceful. If this were a movie, this would probably be the part where Bucky put a blanket on Tony, except for he knows Tony kicks off his blankets when he sleeps, plus there aren’t any blankets around, plus he’s locked in a clear enclosure.

The last one is a problem for multiple reasons. The first person who has to allow his release is sleeping. The second is the soulmate who he left in the lurch after telling him he also has a crush on the first person. So that’s a thing. If Bucky calls in Steve, Steve will want to talk about it, and that just does not sound like a fun time, so instead Bucky watches Tony idly. 

The skin around Tony’s eyes is still slightly puffy, and there are the barest remnants of tear tracks on his cheeks. It’s unsurprising, but still unfortunate. Bucky wishes he could remember what happened, maybe talk with Tony about it, but the Winter Soldier only allows him select memories. It works both ways, but it’s more irritating when it happens to him, in Bucky’s completely unbiased opinion. 

A flash of movement catches his eyes. Tony is signing, “You’re staring again, creep.”

Bucky startles. He hadn’t realized Tony had woken up, or noticed him staring. Crap. “I’m sorry. I was just waiting for you to wake up.”

Tony opens his eyes, squints at Bucky. “Sorry? Oh, hey, you’re Bucky.” He grimaces. “Sorry I called you a creep. Thought you were still Winter.”

The Winter Soldier was staring at him before? And Tony was signing to him? And…Winter? Flummoxed and slightly affronted, he asks, “You have a nickname for him?”

Tony shrugs. “It’s shorter.”

“Well, yeah, but—”

Tony’s attention is already elsewhere. “J, can you notify the Captain that Bucky is ready to be let out?”

Bucky definitely doesn’t squeak, because that would be weird. “He knows?”

Tony tilts his head, questioning. “Well, yeah. He gets a notification every time the safety room is in use. He actually asked to come down, but I locked him out.”

Double crap. He’s going to be so pissed. Bucky winces when the door to the safety room opens. He can just imagine Steve’s face. Actually…yeah, no, he can’t, because what face says ‘we’ve been having problems because we’re both different from when we lived back in the 1940’s and we both have PTSD and now we both have a crush on the same guy and you gave into the side you spend all your time fighting for the aforementioned guy and I only found out about it through an automatic notification because instead of talking to me about our problems you’ve been avoiding me for the past few weeks’? That kind of face probably does not exist. That kind of face would probably create, like, a singularity. Bucky admittedly doesn’t know what a singularity is, but he feels suddenly certain that the face would make one.

It is, therefore, with great trepidation that Bucky awkwardly waves goodbye with a mumbled excuse and heads back up to his and Steve’s shared floor. As he expected, Steve is there waiting for him. His eyebrows are furrowed as if he’s trying to work out a particularly hard problem.

Steve looks up just as he enters, and they stare at each other for a few impossibly long moments. Bucky doesn’t want to say anything, and it’s pretty obvious Steve has no idea what to say either. 

Finally, Steve asks, “Do you love me?”

Bucky’s face crumples, and he rushes over to Steve, kneeling in front of him and holding both his hands. “Stevie, baby, yeah, of course. I’ll always love you. ‘Till the end of the line, right?”

“Yeah, Buck. ‘Till the end of the line.” Bucky itches to hug him, but he doesn’t know if it would be welcome. Steve solves the problem for him by hugging him first. They hug for a while, just breathing with each other and reveling in the closeness.

Steve eventually lets him go, taking a deep breath. “Okay. Then...maybe it’s just me being old-fashioned, but I think we can make all this work. So can we talk about this from that perspective? Trying to work things out?”

Bucky takes a seat next to him on the bed. “Definitely.” 

Steve gives a small smile, but sobers quickly. “And you have to stay this time, Bucky. No rushing out in the middle.”

“I can do that,” Bucky says, impulsively holding out his pinky. For a second it’s almost like old times. The corner of Steve’s mouth quirks, and he links his finger with Bucky’s.

“All right. So, first things first. Are you okay?”

“Generally, no,” Bucky says with a self-deprecating grin. “Right now? Sure.”

“Just…I know you hate giving into him, Buck. And you did it for Tony. I don’t know why he asked and I don’t know why you accepted, but I want to make sure you’re okay with it.”

Bucky pauses. “Ah. Well…yeah. I wasn’t too happy about it, but it’s hard to say no to him, you know?”

Steve’s frowning, but he nods.

“But after, I felt sort of better about it. Like, he hasn’t been fighting as much since talking with Tony. It’s like I can finally take a breath. He seems…content or something.” Bucky scowls. “I really wish he would let me see what he and Tony talked about, but it must have been pretty weird because when I woke up Tony thought it was still him and told him he was staring again.”

“Again?” Steve asks, frown intensifying.

“That’s what I said!” Bucky exclaims. “And he called him Winter. What kind of talk with your parents’ killer ends up with him staring and you giving him a nickname? Plus he was signing, not using his voice program.”

Steve’s face twists, but he collects himself quickly. “That is weird. And for some reason I sort of want to punch the Winter Soldier now.”

Bucky laughs. “Get in line, buddy.” Then he sighs, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “Tony had obviously been crying, but he seems more at peace somehow. So I guess that’s good.”

“Hm.” Steve purses his lips. “Okay. I guess that brings us to the elephant in the room.”

Bucky jokes, “Don’t let him catch you calling him an elephant,” but the attempted humor falls flat. He squirms uncomfortably. “If it makes you feel any better, I only just realized on both counts.”

Steve nods slowly. “So you too, huh?”

“I mean…I don’t know if it’s love yet. I care deeply for him, and I think I could love him if I let myself,” Bucky says, thinking of Tony’s earlier words. “So I guess it’s a bit different.”

“I tried so hard not to, Buck,” Steve says with a sudden urgency. “But you weren’t there, and…and then you were, and I tried so hard, but…”

“I get it,” Bucky says softly, taking one of Steve’s hands again. “It was kind of shocking at first, but I get it.”

“Is that…is that why you haven’t been sleeping in our bed?” Steve asks uncertainly.

Bucky hesitates. “Maybe a bit, at first. But mostly I was just so scared of myself. I didn’t want to hurt you by turning again when I wasn’t in control.”

“I sort of figured that was it. Natasha told me you stole one of her tranqs.”

“She stole my weapons first,” Bucky says calmly, then says seriously, “But, yeah. It’s weird, but I’m not so scared now. I mean, I am, but I was able to turn into him and back without any problems, and it actually sort of helped someone. I’m not saying everything is fixed, but…”

“Yeah. By the way…speaking of fixing things, I’ve been sort of thinking about going to therapy. Because you were right when you said I’m not okay, and I don’t want to keep hiding from it. So. I’m not going to tell you to go with me, but maybe it’s something you should consider as well? Sam says he knows someone in the area, and—”

Bucky stops his rambling. “No, I think I want to go too. As much as I soapboxed about not facing your problems, I’ve sort of been doing the same thing.”

“Okay.” Steve smiles, relieved. “But if we’re going to do that, deal with things, we probably need to figure out what to do about Tony, too.”

“He has soulmates,” Bucky says, sounding unconvincing even to himself, then presses his lips together and mutters, “They don’t deserve him.”

“Exactly, but that doesn’t mean we do either.”

“Maybe. But I sorta think he deserves the right to choose, yeah?”

“Yeah. I guess we could just tell him?”

Bucky blanches, suddenly remembering. Tony doesn’t love either of them. It would be a disaster. “Um…well, maybe eventually. But maybe we take it slow, first. I mean, isn’t he still mad at you?”

Steve’s face closes down. “Yeah. He’s not even signing with me, Buck. I really hurt him.”

“But he let you back in,” Bucky reminds him. 

“He did,” Steve acknowledges. “I guess I just have a lot of work to do.”

“We both do. But we can do it, right? Because we’re disgustingly in love and love conquers all and all that crap.”

Steve chuckles. “You should write motivational speeches.”

Something drops out in the pit of Bucky’s stomach, a memory fighting to make its way to the forefront of his mind, but he can feel the Winter Soldier clamping down on it. _No. Not yet._

 _Fine_ , he shoots back, frustrated. _But you suck._

_I’d say ‘only if you ask nicely’, but that seems anatomically improbable._

_Shut up. You really are a creep._

_You’re just pissy because I had a nice long cozy chat with your beau-to-be. Has anybody ever told you that jealousy is unattractive?_

_Seriously, shut up._

Honestly, it’s probably the nicest conversation he’s had with his worse half.

He returns his attention to Steve, who has laid down on the bed and is staring up at the ceiling. He joins him, laying his head on Steve’s chest. 

Yeah. They’re going to be all right. 

(Because love conquers all, and all that crap.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i took so long to get a chapter up! i'm starting a new program to specialize my education and i've been busy with the prework and some other things so =v=;; if i update less frequently that's probably why
> 
> i'm glad the boys are back on level ground
> 
> next chapter: fixing things


	22. Fixing Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw for anxiety attack mention, food mention

Slowly, painfully, Steve and Bucky try to get Tony to trust them again.

Steve takes full advantage of his returned lab access. He thinks it’s going pretty well, until he goes back to the lab for his sketchbook and finds Tony hyperventilating to a glaring Pepper. He leaves his sketchbook behind and finds Bucky, who doesn’t comment on the crushing hug he receives or the tight press of Steve’s lips against his shoulder. Bucky does, however, return the hug and kisses Steve’s cheek before silently leaving a mug of peppermint tea on Tony’s desk, full of sugar like he knows Tony likes after an anxiety attack.

Tony doesn’t say anything directly, but he shows up at the community floor the next day and abruptly informs Bucky that he will be receiving a new arm whether he likes it or not, and if Bucky doesn’t help he’s making it pink. Bucky actually likes pink, but he follows Tony down to the lab for measurements anyway. Tony works quietly, and Bucky watches him, and after a few hours Tony is shooing him away to start machining a new prototype. “Power tools and fire,” he signs vaguely, “dangerous, go away”, and Bucky goes away, but he comes back the next day, and the next and the next.

Eventually Tony stops having anxiety attacks over Steve’s continued presence in his lab, and Pepper stops glaring (as much), and one day he absentmindedly signs for Steve to bring him some coffee. They both freeze, but when Steve doesn’t move, Tony bites his lip, then signs, “Come on, you saw me.” Steve gets him coffee. Tony doesn’t bother using the voice program after that. 

Things maybe aren’t quite the same as they were before, but they’re not bad, either. Steve and Bucky both have therapists now, and they also both visit Tony daily, along with the bots. Tony had them shipped over from the West Coast where they were on loan at a temporary robotics exhibition. (They are in awe of Bucky’s metal arm, and immediately adopt him as honorary brother. They are warier of Steve, but he shows them a drawing he did of them and they seem fine with him after that.) 

Progress continues on Bucky’s arm. Tony explains it’s a bit slow because he has to triple-check everything, because “neural connections are not something to mess around with,” and he may be a genius but “this is still pioneering prosthetics technology, jeez.” He estimates it will be another few weeks before he’s finished.

Clint, meanwhile, has stopped humming the song from that Disney movie about mermaids whenever he sees Tony and has started with some song that he says, when asked by Bucky with a guilty glance at Natasha, is by a band with some sort of transportation-related name. Tony clenches his teeth whenever he hears it, and that seems to amuse Clint, so he keeps it up. Bucky doesn’t ask again. Must be some kind of inside joke.

It seems like less of a joke, however, when Bucky catches Tony furiously signing, “—don’t realize how it makes me feel, do you, or what, do you realize and just don’t care—”

“I’m trying to help! You know how I feel about this, you know I think they should be able to choose—”

“What about me?!” Tony signs, his hands sharp and gestures tight. “Why doesn’t what I feel ever matter? Why doesn’t my choice matter? Why don’t I matter?”

Clint pauses, then signs softly, “Of course you matter, Tony, just—”

“Just they matter more?” Tony shakes his head. “Please, Clint. Just stop. They don’t get it now but they will someday. Let me be the one to tell them. Let me give them that, at least.”

Tony doesn’t appear to notice Bucky standing awkwardly in the doorway when he storms off, but Clint does. He frowns and walks over. “Eavesdropping isn’t nice, you know.”

“Sorry. I only wanted some leftover pad thai, I swear.”

“Hm.” Clint looks away, then asks, “How much of that did you see?”

“Uh…just something about him telling someone something, and you wanting them to choose.”

“Yeah.” Clint sighs, leaning against the countertop as Bucky pulls out the pad thai. “His soulmates don’t know they’re his soulmates.”

Bucky drops the Tupperware on the ground. “What?”

“He thinks he doesn’t deserve them, or that they won’t love him or something, I don’t know. They don’t know he’s their soulmate because they don’t have his words, yeah? So he can get away with it, but I think—”

Bucky’s mind is still reeling from this revelation, but he manages to get caught on something else. “They don’t have his words? What?”

Clint looks at him like he’s particularly unobservant, which he supposes he might be. “He can’t talk.”

“Yeah, but—” Bucky begins to protest, then he thinks through it. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Neither of them even know they have a third soulmate, and he’s trying to keep it that way. I’ve been trying to get him to tell them for months.”

Bucky’s appetite is long gone, so he carefully puts the Tupperware back in the fridge and silently processes this information. Finally, he says, “That sucks, man.”

“Right?” Clint looks at him meaningfully, but if he wants Bucky to be getting something, he’s not picking up on it. “Don’t you think he should tell them?”

A flash of something runs through Bucky. Anger? Despair? No, he doesn’t think Tony should tell them, because if they’re not together because they don’t know, that might mean they can have Tony and that means Bucky and Steve can’t, but at the same time, maybe Tony would be happier—

He purses his lips. “I don’t think it’s my place to say. But Tony’s right that he has a choice in this too, and that’s important.”

Clint visibly deflates. “I just want him to be happy,” he mutters petulantly.

Happy is with Bucky and Steve, he wishes he could say. He doesn’t.

“I think he can find happiness for himself.”

“Maybe you’re right.” Clint sighs, scratches his head. “Hey, if you’re not going to eat that pad thai, I am.”

He’s not hungry, but he doesn’t want Clint getting his Thai food, either. “Nah, I’m eating it.”

“Dang. Okay. And, hey, Bucky? Don’t tell him we talked about this. He’d kill me, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

\----------

Later that night, Bucky walks straight into his and Steve’s room and says, “They don’t know, Stevie.”

“Huh?”

“Tony’s soulmates. He hasn’t told them. He can’t talk.”

Steve immediately defends, “He can communicate just fine—”

“No, Steve, he can’t talk. His soulmates don’t have his words on them, so they don’t know he’s even theirs.”

Steve gapes. “What? That doesn’t—he has his voice program—”

“Guess it doesn’t count. They don’t know, Steve, that’s the long and short of it.”

Suddenly everything Tony’s said makes sense. Steve sags on the bed. “Crap. Buck, what do we do?”

Bucky sighs, flops on the bed. “I don’t know.”

“We’ve been so mad at them thinking they rejected him, but—if he told them, they could still—”

“Yeah. They could still take him.”

Steve sounds miserable when he suggests, “He might be happier. With them, I mean. They are his soulmates. They probably deserve to know.”

“Maybe.” Bucky runs his hand through his hair. “I don’t know. We’ve been waiting this whole time for things to get back to normal, and it seems like they finally are, and—Tony’s so great, Steve. If I wasn’t gone on him before…these past few months have felt right, you know? Being with him, talking to him.” Bucky exhales and props his head up on his elbow to look at Steve. “I want this, Stevie. For us. For him.”

“Well…we said before, right, that he should be able to choose?” Steve sounds hesitant, but he continues on, “I guess maybe that still stands. If he has the right to choose, he can choose between us and them. And, you know. Whatever he decides, we go with.”

“You think?”

“I think he’s worth not giving up on, Buck. It’s like you said. Being with him feels right. And if he feels the same, it’s worth a shot.”

Him feeling the same is probably the rough part, Bucky thinks dolefully. But Steve is right. “Okay. Yeah. What’s the worst thing that can happen?”

Steve grins. “Don’t go tempting fate.”

“Right. God could choose to intervene, or something.” Bucky rolls his eyes. “I think we’ll be fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the disney song clint was singing was, of course, 'poor unfortunate souls', and after he started on 'hey soul sister' by train
> 
> please note the updated chapter count! we're in the home stretch folks
> 
> (btw sorry for not getting a chapter up until today! as i mentioned i've been quite busy and this chapter was a bit agonizing to write but. hey. it's here lol)


	23. Love (Revelations Part II)

As it turns out, while God stays out of it, _a_ god does end up throwing a wrench into things. But we're getting ahead of ourselves again.

Tony has a problem. Tony has two problems, actually. Their names are Steve and Bucky and he’s just realized he’s in love with them.

It happens like this: it’s team night again, like every week, and Tony is at the end of the couch, like every week. It’s Natasha’s night to choose the movie and it’s playing in the background, some artistic film in Russian that she picked probably partly because she likes it and probably mostly because it would annoy Clint.

Bucky and Steve come into the room late, bickering about something or other—most likely about why they were late, knowing them—and when Steve sees Tony, he lights up. “Hey, Tony! Do you mind if we sit next to you?”

This is not what happens every week. Steve and Bucky’s spot is on the loveseat to the right of the room, near Tony but not next to him. Tony squirms uncomfortably at the change in routine, but signs, “You can do what you want.”

Bucky observes this, then tugs Steve towards the loveseat and flashes a blinding smile at Tony. “Maybe next week.”

And just like that, it occurs to Tony that he loves them. Because they respect his boundaries, sure, but also because they’re just them, Steve and Bucky, who have never given up on him, who come to visit him every day, who bring him food and peppermint tea and coffee and who have smiles like the sun and are warm and soft and who—don’t love him back.

So there’s the problem.

He’s been trying to avoid this the entire time. He’s probably been in denial for a while, really, he reflects sourly as the movie plays on. He’s awfully good at that, after all.

He’s also really good at avoiding people, but after one day of it, Steve looks at him with puppy dog eyes and asks why, and Bucky stands outside the door to his lab and threatens to tell Natasha to tell Pepper if Tony doesn’t talk to him about what’s going on, and Tony can’t bring himself to keep at it when he knows they’ve done nothing wrong. So he pretends (badly) like everything is okay, and it’s pretty obvious they know something is up, but they pretend (also badly) like they don’t, and Tony loves them all the more for it.

Also, it’s not exactly a problem, but Steve and Bucky have been acting sort of…weird? Like, they keep complimenting him, and Steve brought him flowers, which probably should have been nice except for flowers make Tony sneeze. And then Bucky apologized by bringing chocolates—that actually was nice, Tony loves chocolate—and asked Tony to go out to some diner in the area. That’s especially weird because Tony knows for a fact it was a Friday—he checked, like, five times—and Fridays are definitely Bucky and Steve’s date nights. Obviously Bucky must have forgotten that, so Tony said no to be considerate. Tony thought for a second that Bucky looked sort of sad about that, but Tony is bad at reading emotions, so he was probably wrong.

But they keep asking, both of them now, except not just for dinner. Now they’re asking him to go to museum openings and movies and Tony is seriously confused. He’s not really a going-places person. He’s, like…a stay-inside-forever person. And he’s pretty sure Bucky and Steve know that, so he doesn’t get why they’re trying to change him all of a sudden. 

They seem relatively undeterred by all of Tony’s declined invitations, despite what is definitely still looking like a sad expression on their faces, and it’s actually getting a bit frustrating. He’s trying to be nice about it, he really is, but it’s getting harder when they just won’t give up and he has more chocolate than he knows what to do with. 

Luckily, this is Tony we’re talking about here, and Tony has completely brilliant ideas one hundred percent of the time, and so one day he decides he’ll just say ‘yes’ once and they’ll realize he really is quite a bad going-places partner and they’ll give up.

The day he decides this is coincidentally another team night, and also coincidentally the night Thor shows up out of the blue, all booming voice and beaming face. He wants to see Finding Dory, because his dear Jane has told him that it’s an excellent story and he enjoys fish, so. They watch Finding Dory. (It’s awfully hard to say no to Thor.) 

In the middle of this team-bonding exercise, during which Thor comments loudly on pretty much every part of the movie—“These fish, they are great adventurers! I remember one time, I also was trapped in a glasslike box! Well, it was technically a pocket of interdimensional space—” Tony turns to Bucky and Steve. They’re actually sitting next to him now, a change which was a bit difficult to adjust to, but they seemed pretty insistent on it and appear to be pretty happy to be in their new places, so he’s fine with it.

He waits until he has their attention, then signs, “Hey, so, there’s this company event coming up—some dance-type thing. Wanna come with me?”

Their mouths drop open almost comically, and Steve whispers, “Like…you mean…”

Thor notices—his hearing is quite good, after all—and turns his beam to the group. “Why, Stark, I had not realized you had finally joined with the good Captain and James! Banner made it sound like you still—”

Bruce blanches and makes a throat-cutting motion, and Bucky and Steve turn identical shades of pink and start saying, “No, it’s not—”

“We weren’t—well, we were, but—”

“You were what?” asks Tony, now even more confused.

“When is the celebration?” asks Thor jovially. 

“The what?” Tony asks bemusedly.

“On Asgard, when mates—”

He’s cut off by Natasha who, uncharacteristically loudly, says, “Thor, look at the screen! This is really important!”

“You are correct, of course, Natasha Romanov,” Thor says, nodding and studiously returning his eyes to the movie screen. “These fish deserve my undivided attention.”

Tony is sure his face is pale. A quick peek at Steve and Bucky shows that they’re still flushing lightly. The rest of the movie is spent in relative silence, except, of course, for Thor, who apparently loves seals and is completely oblivious to the awkward air in the room. 

Everyone excuses themselves fairly quickly after the movie is finished, and Tony goes to follow them, but Bucky and Steve stop him before he can flee. 

“Tony, we’re sorry. We didn’t mean for that to be public.”

Bucky winces. “Yeah. Not that we’re—ashamed, or anything, just, the team—” 

Tony holds a hand up, then signs, “Wait, what are you talking about?”

“The date,” Steve says slowly.

“What date?”

“To—” Steve runs his hand through his hair. “To the company event, Tony, you said—”

Tony can feel all of his processing systems shut down at once. “Huh?”

“We thought you weren’t interested, but—” Bucky starts to interject, but he takes in Tony’s haunted expression, and his own earnest face starts to fall. “Wait. Did you…” He pauses, then whispers something to Steve, who suddenly also looks crestfallen. Carefully, Bucky asks, “Did you not realize we were asking you out, Tony?”

“Huh?” Tony repeats faintly.

“These past few weeks, we’ve been trying—well, we wanted to go on a date with you, Tony,” Steve says hesitantly. “Me and Buck and you, just to try things out. But…”

“How did you…” They haven’t mentioned the soulmate thing. They don’t know. They can’t know. But…they were… “You…wanted to date me?”

“Well…” They look at each other. “Yeah, if you’ll have us. We really like you, Tony.”

“You…” This can’t be real. This isn’t real. This is a another dream, because good things don’t happen to Tony, and good people don’t happen to Tony, and Steve and Bucky don’t like Tony. Not like that, anyway. They can’t, they don’t, they shouldn’t—

“Tony?”

But if it isn’t real, what can it hurt? What can it hurt to tell them? It’s not real. He wants to tell them, he's always wanted to tell them, he's always wanted this dream to be real, where he says 'you're my soulmates' and they say 'we hoped it was you, we always wanted it to be you—'

_Don’t say it,_ says a voice from far away in Tony’s buzzing head. _They’ll hate you. Don’t say it._

He’s never been very good at following advice.

“Yeah, so you guys are my soulmates.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TITLE DROP! TITLE DROP! TITLE DR--
> 
> you should give special thanks to one of my betas, dorian-the-grey, as well as my good friend pixelized, for encouraging me to put the reveal in this chapter instead of dragging it out to the next! you have me to thank for the cliffhanger tho lol You're Welcome


	24. How You Really Feel

All at once, the buzzing in Tony’s head stops, and everything is blissfully silent and calm.

At least, for a couple seconds, and then—

“What?”

Oh. Oh, crap.

“Tony, what did you just say?” Steve’s hand reaches out towards Tony’s sleeve, then freezes a few inches from it, fingers still curled. 

Crap. This is real, and he just told Steve and Bucky, and—crap. 

He makes a split-second decision and starts to run away, but Steve and Bucky are younger and faster and genetically enhanced, which is super unfair, but the point is they catch him easily. He makes a face at the manhandling, but for some reason the body contact doesn’t bother him as much as he would have thought. It actually feels kind of nice. Huh.

“Tony, you don’t get to just say something like that and then run away,” and double crap, Bucky sounds angry. “What do you mean we’re your soulmates?”

Tony begins to stim nervously, like wiping his hands together will get him out of this utter craphole he’s pulled himself into.

“Tony!”

Tony flinches at the sharp tone in Steve’s voice. He wants to run away, he wants to hide, he wants—well. It doesn’t quite matter what he wants right now. He sighs deeply and lifts up his shirt sleeves.

There’s an audible gasp from Steve and a growl from Bucky. He curls in on himself and waits for what he knows is going to happen. They’re going to yell, they’re going to hit, they’re going to hurt him—

“Tony,” Steve says, choked up like he’s seconds from bursting into tears, and, oh. It looks like he hurt _them_. At the thought, he starts sniffling, and then the crying starts, and then he’s shaking on the ground sobbing, crouched with his head in his knees and his arms wrapped around himself like it can keep him from falling apart. 

Bucky feels all his anger melt away. Somehow all of the questions he wanted to ask—why, Tony, why?—pale in comparison to the need to comfort this man, to make him happy forever. He kneels down and croons, “давай, дорогой, все будет хорошо, ты в порядке.” Come on, dear, it will be fine, you're fine.

Steve stays standing, his hand slowly returning to his side. He looks lost. Bucky glares at him, jerking his head to the side in an unspoken order to get down here with him. Steve extends an index finger and uses it to prod Tony’s back awkwardly, saying, “There, there.” Bucky throws his arms in the air, exasperated, and Steve shrugs helplessly. 

Tony’s crying eventually subsides, and he takes a couple more shuddering breaths before signing, “I’m sorry.”

Neither of them say that it’s fine. It isn’t. But Bucky says, “I know,” and that seems to be enough for Tony.

In retrospect, Steve thinks glumly, they’ve been real knuckleheads. From the very beginning, really. Tony being so jumpy around him, Natasha’s knowing looks, God, “he lost someone special to him and he’s still dealing with it”. And then Tony meeting his second soulmate after Bucky came back, and Clint singing songs with the word ‘soul’ in them, and Thor with his talk of celebrations for new mates—jeez, even the Winter Soldier knew before they did. If he didn’t know Tony better, he would’ve thought Tony had been laughing at them this whole time.

But he does know Tony, he thinks with a sudden rush of softness. He knows Tony, and he knows he thinks he’s not good enough, never good enough—scars borne from a childhood of being compared to some far-off constructed American ideal, of trying to appeal to a father who would never care, of always coming second to everyone all his life. He can see, now, Tony’s fumbling attempts to get closer to him, only to close himself off again after Bucky’s return, because in his mind, how could he ever compare? He can see Tony gravitating to them despite his fears, despite their betrayals, and his heart fills with warmth.

“We’ve made things pretty hard on you, huh,” Steve murmurs, absentmindedly stroking Tony’s back without thinking too hard about it, then freezing and stopping. “Oh. Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine,” Tony signs, looking away with a slight flush. “It’s… yeah. Fine.”

Steve hesitantly returns to rubbing his hand along Tony’s back, and Tony exhales slowly. “Okay, so, sorry about that. I just totally manipulated you guys into not being mad at me. So, uh, go. With the being mad. I can deal.”

“I’m not mad,” Steve says, hand still keeping up its rhythmic movement. “I get it.”

“Beg pardon?” Tony signs incredulously.

Bucky sighs and stretches out on the floor next to Tony, mumbling, “We couldn’t have had this conversation somewhere soft?”, then says, “Well, I am mad.”

“Bucky!” Steve hisses, slapping him on the shoulder.

“I am!” Bucky protests stubbornly. “I mean, I get it, but I’m still mad. I’m mad that you didn’t tell us, and I’m mad at us for not realizing, and I’m mad at everything that brought us to this point, but mostly I’m mad at whatever made you think we would ever have done anything but welcome you with open arms.”

Tony looks at Bucky dubiously, then signs, “You didn’t speak to me for a month.”

Bucky cringes. “Yeah, in my defense, I thought you were trying to befriend me in order to steal my boyfriend.”

“What?! Bucky!” Steve exclaims.

“I’m sorry! But, I mean. After that.”

Tony raises an eyebrow and signs dryly, “After that you spent a considerable amount of time being awkward around me, and after _that_ I found out your brainwashed alternate personality killed my parents, and after that you interrogated me about whether I was in love with your boyfriend again—”

“Good God, was I ever going to know about any of this?” Steve asks, mortified.

“No,” Tony signs and Bucky says simultaneously.

Steve scowls and crosses his arms, muttering something about how it’s pretty clear nobody here loves him.

“Look, it was never about whether or not you guys would take me,” Tony signs haltingly. “I knew you would. You’re good people. It was about whether you would do it for any reason other than obligation. I don’t want anybody to ever be forced to deal with me and all my crap. Especially not you, either of you. I care about you both too much to make you pretend.”

Bucky says bluntly, “Yeah, that’d make sense if it weren’t all a load of crap.”

Steve hits him again, but Bucky ignores it. “Did it ever occur to you we might not be pretending, that we wanted to deal with you?”

Tony raises his eyebrow. “No.”

“Seriously?”

“Okay, yeah, sometimes when it’s late at night and it’s time for dreaming, I wish upon a star that there will be someone who more than tolerates me,” Tony signs sarcastically, the hand gestures sharp and biting. “But I’m not under any illusions.”

Steve can’t take the vitriol spilling from Tony’s mouth anymore and snaps, “Yes, you are!”

Tony’s eyes grow round. Steve continues hotly, “You’re under nothing but illusions. I don’t know what it will take to get you to realize that there are people who love you, but I swear I’m going to spend the rest of my life searching for it, because it is nothing short of a crime that you think you are anything less than one of the most amazing men I have ever met!”

“Dang, Steve,” Bucky says amusedly. “Tell him how you really feel.”

“How I feel is that I love you, Tony Stark, and I want everything that you have to give me, whatever that may be,” Steve declares.

He thoroughly ignores Bucky’s strangled, “Holy _crap_ , Steve, I didn’t mean that literally—”

“I don’t care about what I have to deal with to be with you, because if you’re at the end of the road, it’s worth it. I’m in love with you, and I have been for months even not knowing you were my soulmate, and you’re just going to have to accept that.”

He runs out of steam, pinking under Tony’s wide-eyed gaze, and mumbles, “So, um. Yes.”

There’s an awkward silence, then Bucky slugs him in the arm, demanding, “How am I supposed to follow that, huh, punk? Like, I love him too, but how do I say that after you went all Shakespeare on us?”

“This isn’t about you, jerk!” Steve slings back, recognizing Bucky’s attempt to calm his embarrassment and looking at him gratefully.

He nods subtly in acknowledgement, then sighs theatrically. “Guess there’s only one thing to do now,” he says. “I’m not good with words like Stevie is, you see. But I am good at doing. So, if it’s okay for Steve to touch your back, is it okay if I do…this?” He gathers Tony up into a hug.

Tony looks suspicious, signing, “I guess.”

“And this?” He places a hand on Tony’s cheek.

Tony blushes harder and looks down, but acquiesces.

“How about…” Bucky smirks and looks into Tony’s eyes, nudging his chin up slightly, “This?” Then he dips in and presses his lips against Tony’s lightly.

Tony looks sort of like he’s going to pass out. Steve gasps, mock-offended, and slaps Bucky on the arm. “Hey! Who said you could do that first?”

“Tony, basically,” Bucky says smugly.

“It doesn’t count,” Steve responds firmly. “But this does.” He swoops forward dramatically and kisses Tony with a loud smack. 

“Rude. Mine counted, right, Tony?” Bucky asks playfully, nudging Tony with his shoulder.

Tony dazedly signs, “Sorry, you’ve reached Tony Stark’s life model decoy. The real Tony Stark has vacated the premises due to shock—”

Steve pauses, his face morphing into one of uncertainty. “Good shock or bad shock? ‘Cause, I mean…if you don’t like us back, that’s, um…”

“No, I do,” Tony reassures, his gestures jerky. “Like you. Romantically. In a romantic way.”

Steve is getting ever closer again, with a fond look on his face, but Tony can’t stop signing. “Like. With kissing. And the whole waking-up-next-to-you-every-morning thing. That is a thing I feel.”

“Tony,” Steve whispers, “shut up.”

Then he kisses him again.

(And then Bucky gets jealous, and kisses Tony too, and that lasts for a while, and then they go to bed, and that lasts for a while too, and then they do the whole waking-up-next-to-you-every-morning thing, and that lasts for the rest of their lives.)

(But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this whole thing is cheesy as crap
> 
> they still have to talk about a lot of things but i figured i'd give them a bit of fluff before that
> 
> huge thanks to dorian-the-grey for again beta'ing this chapter!
> 
> next chapter: the end


	25. What They Deserve / Anyway

“So where’s my kiss?”

Tony scowls at the Winter Soldier, crossing his arms and slouching back against the chair he brought in front of the safety room for this purpose. “You don’t get one.”

Winter pouts. “You kissed _them_. Multiple times, even.”

“I _like_ them!”

He gasps and clutches his metal hand to his heart. “Ice cold. I thought we really had something, darling.”

Tony makes a face and signs, “You’re the worst.”

“Only for you.” Winter blows a kiss in his direction, then narrows his eyes. “Well, this obviously isn’t a social call.”

“No.”

“Mm. Get to it, then.”

Tony hesitates. “Does Bucky…like me?”

Winter raises an eyebrow. “You brought me out here to ask if your boyfriend has a crush on you?” 

“No! Well…yes, but when you put it like that it sounds silly.”

“It does, yes.”

Tony looks away and signs, “Just answer the question.”

Winter tilts his head, peering at Tony calculatingly. “As near as I can tell, Bucky is embarrassingly besotted with you. Why?”

“Just…” Tony starts to sign, then breaks off, frowning. “Never mind.”

“Allow me to guess, then. Despite their repeated verbal declarations to the contrary, you still think Steve and Bucky are, at best, putting up with you. But you think they’ll get tired of you if you keep asking for reassurance, so you came to your soulmate’s alternate personality. That sound about right?”

Tony’s back to scowling. “You’re a douche.”

“Yes,” Winter says matter-of-factly. “I’m also right, aren’t I?”

Tony grits his teeth. “Maybe.”

“I’m not a licensed therapist,” Winter says, examining the nails on his flesh hand. “I’m not qualified to give you advice about why you’re an emotionally insecure wreck.”

“I know that!” Tony signs sharply. “Never mind. This was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have—”

“No, you shouldn’t have. You should have talked to them about it like an adult. Because you are lucky enough to have two people who love you, and despite my limited affection for you, I find it irritating that you do not take full advantage of it.”

Tony gets to his feet in an instant, eyes flashing, and signs, “All I do is take advantage of it! All I do is take advantage of their kindness! I knew from the very start I didn’t deserve—” 

“Who really deserves anything?” Winter waves his hand dismissively. “You might find it refreshing to disavow yourself of the mistaken notion that there’s some kind of cosmic reinforcement system for your actions. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, and it doesn’t mean anything either way.”

Tony nods, then abruptly signs, “How many people do you think you’ve killed?” 

Winter purses his lips. “Somewhere in the hundreds. Why?”

“Thousands. Thousands of people have died because of me. Not only me. I didn’t…I didn’t know the entire time, and I didn’t…want…” Tony runs his hand through his hair, frustrated, then continues, “But there are thousands of people who died who might not have if I weren’t here.”

“So?”

“So if the universe isn’t going to punish me, then I’m going to do it myself!” Tony explodes. “Because I don’t know about anyone else, but that’s what I deserve.”

“And what exactly makes you think that you’re qualified to determine that?” Steve’s voice rings out in the hallway. 

Tony pales. “You’re home early.”

“Got a notification the safety room was in use and got home as soon as I could. Tony…” Steve shoots a glance at Winter. “You.”

“Me!” Winter says cheerfully.

“Did you hurt him?”

“Seriously? I’m in a box.”

“It’s not a box. It’s a cylindrical prism,” Tony signs warily. “Steve…sorry.”

Steve pauses. “Why are you sorry?”

“Because…you’re mad?” He peeks at Steve’s face, then hazards a guess, “About Bucky?”

“No, Tony.”

“About me not eating lunch.”

“Tony…”

“Or dinner. Or breakfast.”

“Tony.”

“Or lunch again.”

“That’s a problem, and you can be sure we’re going to get you some food,” Steve says patiently. “But I’m not mad. I’m disappointed in myself that I didn’t realize you were still feeling this way.”

Tony blanches. “How much did you see?”

“Enough to know that we need to talk. Look, I knew things wouldn’t just magically get better when you told us, but…I sort of hoped we were past the part where you realized we loved you.”

“We are!” Tony signs hurriedly. “I mean…well. Yes. We are. Mostly.”

“Mostly?”

“Okay, maybe not exactly,” Tony hedges. “Can we bargain down to ‘above grudging tolerance’, because I think I can manage that on a good day—”

“Tony, I love you.”

Tony appears to short-circuit for a second, twitching, then signing, “Give a guy some warning—”

“And he loves you too,” Steve says, gesturing at the safety room.

“I’m aromantic,” says Winter loftily. “But he’s okay.”

“He’s aromantic,” Steve mutters, shaking his head. “You know what I meant.”

Tony nods, but doesn’t do anything further, looking away from both Steve and Winter and rubbing his hands together.

“I’m not going to pretend like I know exactly what’s going on in that big brain of yours,” Steve says softly, walking slowly forward and kneeling down in front of Tony’s chair, placing a hand lightly on Tony’s knee. “I only know what’s going on in mine, and what I’m thinking right now is that the man in front of me is beautiful and smart and kind and my soulmate, and I love him and I want him to be happy, and if for some reason he can find that happiness with me I’ll do everything I can to be worthy of that immense privilege.”

Tony turns pink and snappishly signs, “What are you, a Hallmark card?”

“Seriously,” comes Bucky’s tired voice from inside the room. “What’s with you and cheesy monologues?”

“Bucky?” Steve asks uncertainly.

“He decided he’d let me in on this, and I quote, ‘incredibly gagworthy moment’.” Bucky rolls his eyes, stretching. “Not sure I appreciate the switch.”

“I can do a cheesy monologue for you too, if you want,” Steve offers, smirking.

“No. Anyway, Tony, he’s a punk but he’s right. We both love you, okay? I’m not going to say you have to think you deserve that right now, because I know that can be hard. But I want you to trust us enough to believe us when we say that we’re pretty far gone on you.”

“Look,” Tony signs, deep in thought. “It’s…something I’ll work on, okay? It’s just not easy, and I don’t really know what to do, and—”

“You don’t need to _do_ anything,” Bucky interrupts. “Just stay. Okay?”

“You make it sound so simple.”

“It can be. Do you love us?”

The pink on Tony’s cheeks deepens, and he signs a small, “Yes.”

“Then stay, and let us love you back, and talk to us, and it’ll work out.” Bucky shrugs. “Simple.”

“That’s three things now,” Tony signs, more on principle than anything. “And there’s nothing simple about any of them.” 

Steve cuts in, “Okay, complicated then. But worth it. Don’t you think?”

Tony thinks about it. And he thinks about how he feels without them, and he thinks about how he feels with them, and he thinks that maybe he’s just the right amount of selfish to keep them, in the end.

“Yeah. Worth it.”

Steve beams. “Thought so.” Then he kisses Tony once, twice, three times—

“If you’re going to do that, at least let me out first,” Bucky says, aggrieved. “Rude.”

“You deserve it,” Steve says lightly. “I know you were the one who put cayenne pepper in the pancakes this morning.”

“I’ll have you know that was an accident, an accident which was completely unrelated to the cat magnets you stuck on my arm when I was sleeping.”

“Accident, huh? You accidentally got the cayenne pepper out from where I hid it last time you did this and accidentally poured the entire bottle into only my batch of pancakes—”

“That’s what I’m saying, yes, now please let me out of this box—”

“Cylindrical prism,” Tony corrects.

“I think we’ll leave you in the cylindrical prism for a while, actually,” Steve says haughtily. “Since someone doesn’t know how to just own up to their crimes.”

“Oh, you’re going there? How about that time when we were kids and you broke—”

“That actually was an accident, and it was your fault!”

“My fault?! You threw a baseball at my face—”

“And you ducked! So your fault.”

They continue bickering companionably, and Tony feels himself relax. Maybe he doesn’t deserve this. But maybe—just maybe—he can have it anyway.

\-------------------

Okay, so the thing is, Bucky and Steve aren’t a perfect couple. They have their problems, and a lot of them. They fight, and they love each other, but sometimes that isn’t enough. Sometimes they need help. Sometimes, they might even need someone like Tony.

The other thing is, Tony has never been able to talk, but he can still communicate. He can say what he means, and he can tell people when he’s feeling bad, and he can have feelings and it can matter. He has friends—Pep, Rhodey, obviously, and Bruce and Natasha and Clint, even if he’s a jerk. And then there’s Steve and Bucky. They don’t have his words, and they’ll never have his words, but his hands will always be wrapped around their souls.

Because here’s the last thing, and that’s that Tony is Bucky and Steve’s soulmate. And, sure, sometimes he still wonders whether they’re really happy with him. It’s messy, and things aren’t always fine at all. 

But he loves them. And they love him. They’re just two broken super soldiers and a broken man in a suit of armor, but they manage to take all of the pieces of themselves and build something good—something great, even. They are none of them perfect, but even though it’s a cliché, they’re sort of perfect together.

But if you look at them and think that, don’t say it. You don’t need to. They already know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is utter crap and nothing is resolved lol oh well it is Done
> 
> Anyway, thank you all so much for coming on this self-indulgence train with me! I really and truly appreciate all of you who read, gave kudos, and commented. I wish you all the best, and I hope to see you again on another story someday!

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! my tumblr is anuninterestingperson if you wanna head over there and talk about anything!


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